May 27, 2011
Dear Dee,
Your letter arrived in the nick of time, just when the sermon well had run dry.
I continue to write and am working on a mystery novel. I am now managing to steal some time on the typewriters in the library, which are supposed to be used only for legal work. I have 56 pages typed so far. If you are willing and have the time, I need someone to scan these pages to get them into electronic form.
On the subject of keeping my feelings tamped down, I am confident that I will be able to access them again when I need to. They are just below the surface. A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in the chapel for an hour of quiet time, the only quiet place in here. I started to meditate and quickly found myself sobbing deeply. Alas, there was a camera on me and a chaplain’s assistant came in to see what was wrong. I just told him that when I meditate, some rather intense feelings come to the surface. For a few weeks, I went over there to take advantage of that quiet time, but then they started scheduling meetings in there for different groups, such as the Muslims, etc. The net result was that all of the spare quiet time went away.
As for relationships, I came here with the intention of trying to set up an unofficial, off-the-books 12-step group. But nobody---and I mean NOBODY—is interested. I have tried repeatedly to find people willing to talk about their lives and their addictions. Bottom line…nobody is willing to trust anyone enough to make that commitment. Only in one place, the last county facility I was in before coming here, did I find someone I could connect with on that level. He ended up in Terminal Island in Long Beach. We are not allowed to write to other inmates, so I have become pen pals with his sister and she passes information back and forth.
Yes, most of the people I have talked politics with here are right-wingers. Some absolutely hate the government. One of my cellmates rejoiced when Gabrielle Giffords was shot and a federal judge died. I reminded him that the shooter also took out a nine-year-old girl, and that shut him up for a while.
On your question about TV, yes, the DWBs [Dirty White Boys, i.e., Aryan Nation members] put out a list each day of what we will watch. There are a few things on it that I like, but most nights, I just read.
You asked me if I had any enemies in here. Sure. Any SO in here automatically has enemies. It makes some people feel good to create a class of inmate who is lower than they are. There have been some beatings and stabbing of SOs in the past, but usually it’s the ones who talk openly (brag) about what they have done. I’m reasonably safe as long as I keep a low profile and blend in. It’s one of the things that made standing up to the DWBs last January a risky proposition. It put me on their radar. Since then, I’ve been keeping my head down.
I had a wonder moment this weekend. When K put my one and a half-year-old granddaughter on the phone and I said, “Hi, sweetie, it’s Popi,” she said “Popi!” It’s really the first time she’s spoken to me. What a moment that was!
I like that you write lots of questions for me to answer—it gives me something to write about.
Love, Kent
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