What if there’s no hell?

May 29, 2011

Dear Dee,

Okay, it’s Sunday now and I’ve been to “church.” Today’s chalice lighting by MM was a nice complement to the sermon, “Have You Got Humanity Fatigue?” Both dealt with the importance of community and how we are all in this boat together. We tend to have tunnel vision and keep ourselves focused on our own paths. But those paths can change directions on us. In my lifetime, I have been very wealthy and now I am a prison inmate who may face homelessness when I get out. How many times did I pull up to a freeway off ramp in my Mercedes and ignore the homeless person there with his cardboard hand-lettered sign begging for my indulgence? It’s a lesson that we ignore the misfortune of others at great peril, for it can easily become us. Hopefully, people can come to that conclusion without having such a stark threat hanging over them.

The ultra-Christians in here don’t believe that a sermon that never mentions God or Jesus can really be a sermon. I have offered to let them read mine, but they aren’t interested. A few weeks ago, Time Magazine ran a cover story entitled, “What if There’s No Hell?” It dealt with a Christian minister who questions the concept that God will send anyone to hell who hasn’t accepted Christ as his personal savior. The minister said he could not conceptualize a god who would have Gandhi burn in hell. I tried to show this article to the Christian boys, but they refused to read it. Questioning just isn’t a part of their journey. And that’s what I like most about UU—questioning is not only encouraged, it’s virtually required. I could never accept a god who gave me a brain and then didn’t allow me to use it.

You are right that my fall from grace did trigger a lot of reflection and self-evaluation. I definitely have a much higher spiritual quotient. Before this, I simply thought that because I didn’t believe in the Biblical description of God, I was therefore an atheist. But I first had to face the question of a higher power when I started the 12-step work. It really doesn’t work unless you have something to give yourself over to and rely on to look after you. That’s when I remembered that, years ago, I had given thought to the existence of an energy field that was all-encompassing. Perhaps I had George Lucas and Star Wars to thank for inspiring that line of inquiry. But it made sense to me and still does. It simply means that “God” is everywhere and in everything that exists. I thought it was every living thing until I started reading The Field, which talks a lot about what happens at the subatomic level and how those atoms and cells communicate with each other.

Well, I’ve gone on quite long enough. Be well.

Love, Kent

No trust; no 12-step

May 27, 2011

Dear Dee,

Your letter arrived in the nick of time, just when the sermon well had run dry.

I continue to write and am working on a mystery novel. I am now managing to steal some time on the typewriters in the library, which are supposed to be used only for legal work. I have 56 pages typed so far. If you are willing and have the time, I need someone to scan these pages to get them into electronic form.

On the subject of keeping my feelings tamped down, I am confident that I will be able to access them again when I need to. They are just below the surface. A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in the chapel for an hour of quiet time, the only quiet place in here. I started to meditate and quickly found myself sobbing deeply. Alas, there was a camera on me and a chaplain’s assistant came in to see what was wrong. I just told him that when I meditate, some rather intense feelings come to the surface. For a few weeks, I went over there to take advantage of that quiet time, but then they started scheduling meetings in there for different groups, such as the Muslims, etc. The net result was that all of the spare quiet time went away.

As for relationships, I came here with the intention of trying to set up an unofficial, off-the-books 12-step group. But nobody---and I mean NOBODY—is interested. I have tried repeatedly to find people willing to talk about their lives and their addictions. Bottom line…nobody is willing to trust anyone enough to make that commitment. Only in one place, the last county facility I was in before coming here, did I find someone I could connect with on that level. He ended up in Terminal Island in Long Beach. We are not allowed to write to other inmates, so I have become pen pals with his sister and she passes information back and forth.

Yes, most of the people I have talked politics with here are right-wingers. Some absolutely hate the government. One of my cellmates rejoiced when Gabrielle Giffords was shot and a federal judge died. I reminded him that the shooter also took out a nine-year-old girl, and that shut him up for a while.

On your question about TV, yes, the DWBs [Dirty White Boys, i.e., Aryan Nation members] put out a list each day of what we will watch. There are a few things on it that I like, but most nights, I just read.

You asked me if I had any enemies in here. Sure. Any SO in here automatically has enemies. It makes some people feel good to create a class of inmate who is lower than they are. There have been some beatings and stabbing of SOs in the past, but usually it’s the ones who talk openly (brag) about what they have done. I’m reasonably safe as long as I keep a low profile and blend in. It’s one of the things that made standing up to the DWBs last January a risky proposition. It put me on their radar. Since then, I’ve been keeping my head down.

I had a wonder moment this weekend. When K put my one and a half-year-old granddaughter on the phone and I said, “Hi, sweetie, it’s Popi,” she said “Popi!” It’s really the first time she’s spoken to me. What a moment that was!

I like that you write lots of questions for me to answer—it gives me something to write about.

Love,   Kent