Making the best of house arrest

June 4, pre-lockup

Dear Dee,
Your latest CARE package arrived today and was much appreciated. I have written to most of my family and long-time friends and have heard from J & M as well as CA. They have sent me books to read and M sent a tin of Neiman-Marcus chocolate chip cookies, Comfort food indeed!

Life for me hasn't changed much since we last spoke. I'm getting out for a therapy session once a week and, next week, that will increase to two per week. I have also been attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous on Sunday afternoons. I hope to soon get a court ruling on a motion to allow me to be out for more meetings as well as an hour each week to do my own grocery shopping. I can't tell you what a treat it is to just step out the front door and breathe in the fresh air. On the way back, I stop at a popular local bakery and buy a couple of donuts for my next day's breakfast. I take much joy in these simple pleasures.

The legal situation is pretty much frozen in place until they finish going over the computers, camera, CDs, etc. that were confiscated on the day of the arrest. After that, I guess the prosecutor makes a plea offer. I got a small ray of hope last week when a story ran in the paper that a man charged with a similar offense had been recommended five years probation. I have the same prosecutor as he, but we have different judges and there isn't any guarantee that either judge will go along with the recommended sentence. So I hope for the best as I prepare for the worst.

I continue to be grateful for the support I get by phone with a call nearly every day from someone...my daughter, my nephew, you and other friends. The list continues to grow and I marvel at the level of goodness in people. Sadly, however, my family here is steeped in anger and resentment. I guess that makes sense when you consider that they were betrayed on a grander scale than anyone else. I wanted to be the best dad I could be to my son and give him someone to look up to. Now, in the blink of an eye, I have taken all that from him.

The future is a very scary place for me right now. So all I can do is try to get through each day and do a little healing if I can. I cannot change what I have done, only what I do from here on out. I am determined to try each day to bring a little good into the world instead of ugliness. I know that these 12-step meetings will be a regular ingredient in my life for the rest of my time. I will ensure that nothing like this ever happens again.

I keep a picture of my daughter and me on her wedding day on my dresser as a daily reminder of happier times. I look forward to the birth of that precious baby of hers as a signpost pointing toward other happiness to come. I hope it isn't too long before I am able to hold her.

Thanks again for standing with me. When all of this went down, I couldn't imagine that anyone would.

Love, Kent

How do I explain the unexplainable?

Shock, disbelief and sadness washed over me when I learned that a good friend of mine had been arrested for possession of child pornography. Like you, I felt some degree of disgust and wondered how someone I knew as a warm, generous, and productive person could have gotten sucked into such a world. My first letter from him (while still under house arrest):

April 21, pre-lockup

Dear Dee,

By now you’ve heard the horrible news and had some time to sit with it. I just got off the phone with my daughter, who is pregnant as you know, and found out she’s having a girl. It was a ray of sunshine into a life that is suddenly very dark. I am so pleased for them. It’s the closest I’ve been able to get to happiness in the last six days.

How do I explain the unexplainable? I have always had an attraction to porn. Over the years, that “attraction” began to manifest itself as a full-blown addiction. About 10 years ago, I got into a 12-step Sex Addicts Anonymous group. As a result of that, I got a pretty good hold on the problem. But as with any addiction that you don’t stay on top of, it began to creep back into my life. Add to that the easy availability of that stuff on the internet, coupled with a retired guy with way too much time on his hands, and you have a recipe for disaster.

What happened is that I got involved in chat rooms in which I would assume an alternate identity…a horrible, predatory, vile individual who seemed to appeal to those I was chatting with. While this fictitious character was the polar opposite of who I am, I got a perverse kick out of playing him. In fact, that kick took precedence over any porn involved. What brought me down was when I ended up playing this role in a chat with an undercover police officer.

I wanted to write first and lay the groundwork before I talk to you. I hope you will call when you feel ready.

Love, Kent