Confronting Evil

March 27, year 2

Dear Dee,
I have a favor to ask. I am eligible to apply for a transfer to a California prison in November after I have been here for 18 months. Could you do some research on Lompoc? That is where all of Nixon's guys went and used to be known as "Club Fed." I'd also like to get some info on Terminal Island in Long Beach.

I feel like a very privileged UU, thanks to you. I need only tell you what is troubling my soul and I get a sermon in the mail that is tailored to address that condition. It's almost like having a vending machine that dispenses sermons to order. I know finding just the right one at the right time must be time-consuming for you, so I want to express my deepest gratitude for your enduring kindness.

This morning I read "Confronting Evil," which you sent in response to my on-going distress about the "cat-kicker" (see The first principle--really? March 13 blog) and those like him with whom I spend my days. I won't say that, upon finishing it, the clouds parted and clarity descended from on high, but the material did give me plenty of food for thought whereas previously, I was just bashing my head against the unyielding wall that was the First Principle.

This, of course, was geared toward those who were still wrestling with the fallout from 9/11. I have to say that I found it easier to see the point of view of the men who brought down the World Trade Center than that of the person who kicked the cat. (I started to write "idiot" rather than "person" so I guess that's progress.) The terrorists, at least, believed they were combating evil rather than doing something evil on the spur of the moment for their own amusement.


For all the points of view expressed in this sermon, the one that made the most sense came from the woman who served as a chaplain at the ruins of the twin towers and who said, "There are some people who have something wrong with them." That is most definitely the case here where many are suffering from arrested emotional development. One theologian in the sermon posits, "Evil is that which dehumanizes." That is common here. We have one large man here who likes to shove older men out of his way when walking down a hallway. For many here, older people are just in the way. (Mexicans, however, are culturally disposed to respect their elders.)

One passage that did make me stop and think evoked the Quaker concept that there is something of God in every individual. This dovetails perfectly with my own concept of God as an intelligent field of energy, a part of which inhabits every living thing. It is the spark of life that we think of as the soul, though I extend it to animals, plants, anything that lives. So that would mean that even the "cat-kicker" has God inside him. Food for thought, indeed.

But I wavered back in the other direction when I read, "If we back away from our affirmation of the sacred potential, the inherent worth of every person, aren't we agreeing with Hitler and bin Laden that some people should be eliminated?" Yes, we are. Would not the world have been a better place if Hitler had been assassinated early in the war? Same with bin Laden. The fact that they endorsed that idea doesn't make it wrong, particularly where they themselves are concerned.

And there was some sense to what the non-UU religious liberal wrote: "Human behavior is a bell curve. The overwhelming majority are good folks, some few are saints, some are sociopaths, psychopaths, evil people." How does one argue with that logic?

There was also great sense to the idea the first principle does not claim that every person has worth and dignity, but that it attributes them as values; that the world is a better place if we treat everyone as though they have worth and dignity, even if they do not return the favor.

Lots and lots to think about, but at least I don't feel stuck anymore.

Love, Kent

Goodnight, Joe

It was in March of this year that Kent's oldest friend passed away. He was someone I had also known and hung around with when we were all in our 20s and 30s. When I told Kent of Joe's passing, he wrote a eulogy and asked me to read it at the "celebration of life" that was held for Joe. Here it is in part:

I write these words while the news of Joe's passing is still sizzling white-hot in my brain. What do you say when you have lost your best friend? That was Joe to me, an integral part of my life for half a century. We have not seen much of each other in recent years, a result of distance and circumstance. But friendship--real friendship--doesn't go away. It stands like a well-built edifice, impervious to foul weather and natural disaster. And so it is with Joe, still my oldest and best friend, even though he is no longer available to keep up his end of the bargain.

That's how it always was with us. We could go for six months without seeing each other and then when we did, it was as if no time at all had passed, There was nothing worn away in the fabric of our relationship; no weak spots; no ruts in the road.

I feel at the moment of this writing as though I have suffered a spiritual amputation. Something that was a part of me for most of my life has been cut away. But as it goes with amputations, it still feels as though it is there. So, Joe, in case you're hanging in the air today, listening to what we all have to say about you, let me leave you with the dying words of Cyrano de Bergerac: "Yes, all my laurels you have riven away and all my roses. Yet, in spite of you, there is one crown I bear away with me. And tonight, when I enter before God, my salute shall sweep all the stars away from the blue threshold. One thing--without stain--unspotted from the world--in spite of doom, mine own, and that is...my white plume." 
Goodnight, Joe.

The joy of receiving

March 25, year 2

Dear Dee,
Thank you again for the sermons you send, but in particular, for the one about receiving. I think it's especially gutsy for a minister to say that Jesus didn't get it right when he said it was more blessed to give than to receive. That sermon and the sentiments it expressed had special import for me and what I'm going through at the moment. I had just written to my daughter asking her to get several things done for me. After listing them, I felt guilty making such demands on her time, which is at a premium right now. I told her how frustrating it was for me to be in good health and fully in control of my faculties, and yet be totally helpless and unable to do anything for myself.

I have indeed been feeling guilty about asking for things and worrying about the money people spend on me to send me books and magazines. The sermon gently reminded me that people do these things for me because I still have value in their lives. That's a monumentally important message for me to assimilate, given the fact that I have spent the better part of the last year and a half feeling totally bereft of any worth.

I'm glad that I was able to embrace Unitarian Universalism before I came in here. I lean on it almost daily, particularly the admonition to "honor the inherent worth and dignity of every human being." That isn't an easy feat in here, particularly with those who openly disrespect me because of my age (67) or my charge. It is very easy to slip into feelings of superiority. But I feel good that I am actively working on being a better man than I am.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and for actively helping with my spiritual enlightenment as well as helping to keep me entertained and informed.

Love, Kent

Justice perverted

March 20, year 2

Dear Dee,
Your letter, as always, was welcome. It's Sunday morning and I just finished Linda Hansen's sermon. It was particularly noisy in here and I ended up in my bunk with my pillow wrapped around my head so I could cut the noise level sufficiently to give my full concentration to the material.

It was a real winner and impacted me on several levels. First, there was the point she made about Plato's "Parable of the Cave," about prisoners in a cave who remain unaware of the world beyond that cave. That is a very real problem here. We see the news on television and read newspapers and magazines. But for  many, this is their reality and what goes on beyond these walls is someone else's.

Then there was the story of Hecuba and the admonition that, "we can always refuse to become the beast, the non-human others try to make of us." Then she illustrated with Wm. Wenders' film, "Wings of Desire," the value of human intimacy. That has always been a problem for me. My unruly childhood taught me that the only person I could depend on was myself. That was a positive lesson in terms of making me self-sufficient, but it has been a huge negative in my life where relationships are concerned. Thank you for the gift of accepting my faults and shortcomings to see me for who I am at my core, which is allowing me to learn to share intimate thoughts.

I have a horror story for you that illustrates the craziness around prosecution of perceived sexual offenses. About three weeks ago, an inmate here was let out because his guilty verdict was overturned. He was a professional photographer and was hired by a nudist colony to take photos of some weekend festival they were having. A middle-aged couple asked him to take their picture. As he composed the shot, a 17-year-old girl was crossing behind them and ended up in the shot. When the pictures were posted for all to see, the girl's mother saw it and freaked that he didn't have permission to take the girl's photo and called the cops. The photographer was arrested, tried, and convicted for production of child pornography. He was sentenced to prison for 15 years! Thankfully, his appeal was heard by a judge who wasn't as crazy as everyone else in this case and he overturned the verdict. But not before the photographer had served 2 1/2 years of his sentence.

I just finished reading a book that I strongly recommend you get ahold of. It's titled "Justice Perverted" by Charles Patrick Ewing. He is a psychologist who has dealt extensively with sex offenders of all stripes. He writes about the war on SOs that the states and federal government have declared. He says that sex offending is in decline, but prosecution of it has been stepped way up, giving the impression that the problem is growing. Most people believe that SOs are doomed to reoffend (even though only a very small percentage of them do) and that they do not respond to any kind of treatment (also false). The disparity of sentencing between the state and federal levels is enormous for the same offenses. If I had been tried by the state, I would probably be out by now.

He also says the registry does nothing to protect anyone, nor does restricting where SOs can live. The great majority of the molestations of children take place within the family. And when they don't, the molester usually travels outside the area in which he lives. This country is passing a lot of Draconian laws in which people's lives are being ruined. And once those laws are on the books, no politician is going to vote to overturn them. I learned from this book that, if I go back to California, I will have to wear a GPS ankle bracelet for the rest of my life even though I'm not a predator and have never harmed a child. This is part of a law passed in 2008 that also limits where I can live to the point where I can't live in any densely populated area.

All in all, it sounds like my problems will not be over when I am released. All I can do is dig in and try to live the best, most positively focused life that I can and whatever happens, happens. I do believe in karma. In doing what I was doing, I put forth a powerful amount of negativity that resulted in a hellishly negative turn in my life. I have to believe that positive thoughts and actions can have a similarly dramatic effect.

Time to bring this to a close. Thanks, as always, for hanging in there with me and being an island of solace in the midst of these choppy waters.

Love, Kent.

The first principle--really?

March 13, year 2

I just wrote you a couple of days ago, so consider this a P.S. I just read the sermon you sent, and it was right in line with something that has been bothering me. It happens that I have been struggling with the first principle for a while now. I reached what I would consider my crisis of faith a couple of months ago.

I was on my way back from the chow hall at night when I spotted one of the feral cats we have here eating something that someone had given him. He was right next tot he pathway. Suddenly, someone in my unit who was walking ahead of me took a running start and kicked the little cat right in the head. It scrambled erratically away and the guy and his friend laughed about it all the way back to the unit. The friend said, "That was a concussion at least!"

I was so upset and angry I could barely see. Part of me, a very uncharitable part, wanted to kick the guy in the head just to show him how it felt. In trying to deal with this, I thought about the first principle and how this was a fellow human being. But it didn't work. I had hate in my heart for this sorry sack of shit. I still shudder every time I see him.

Unlike Pat and Terry in the sermon, I have not been all that successful in trying to climb into the minds of others I live with here and see the world from their point of view. When I try, all I see is darkness, evil and ignorance.

I guess when I say the sermon sang to me, I mean that it addressed an issue I am grappling with, but it didn't really, in the end, provide me with any answers. The people in here are worlds beyond the PTA members who wanted to ban books or Terry's truculent co-workers. They come from a place where they think it's all right to take from others. They believe that hate is power and use that power to intimidate and instill fear. They bolster their own self-esteem by pretending to be superior to others. It's very difficult to try to walk a mile in their shoes.

Love, Kent

Campus bullies

February 2, year 2

I got myself into a little dust-up with one of the Aryan Nation boys on New Year’s Day. No significant injuries and the result was less bullying, so it was worth it

The Aryan boys call themselves the DWBs for Dirty White Boys. Most of them are in for drug dealing. Here, they have lorded it over the sex offenders (SOs) in an attempt to feel superior. They like to call us “chomos”--short for child molesters. For us, this word is in the same category as the ‘N’ word—a hate word. I am not that, nor is anyone I know in here. Child molesters tend to go to state prisons unless they cross state lines to do their dirty work. So we just refer to ourselves as SOs. There is even a movement afoot to change the status of this offense from a sex crime to a computer crime as long as there is no personal contact. I would love to see that come to pass as it is truly galling to be in the same offense category as those who would harm a child.

What precipitated the New Year’s Day confrontation was, they told one guy (an SO) that he had to move from where he had always sat to watch TV. So I sat in that spot the next night, knowing they would tell me I had to move. Sure enough, they did and I refused. Game on! There were no guards present that night so no one took the fall for it, except my cellmate who broke his ankle.

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Feb. 23

As for the DWBs, there has been no further bullying since the incident. They say that just under half the people on the compound are sex offenders, so we have them far outnumbered. My cellmate is recovering slowly, still on crutches. I do things for him like getting him hot water for his coffee and soup and accompanying him to the chow hall to carry his tray for him. It’s the least I can do.

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March 10

You said I was lucky to not have to worry about filing my tax return, but I do still pay taxes and just had my wife send me a signature page for the E-file return. She is getting my pension check, which goes for the house payment. She will be listing the house soon, but in this market, we do not expect it to sell quickly. She has said it is time to get our property divided as she wants to move on with her life.

I’m reasonably sure there won’t be another marriage in my future. For one thing, how does one even approach a woman in the situation I will be in? “Hi, I’m Kent, convicted felon and registered sex offender. Want to go out?”

Yes, I have stopped noting days down and days to go on a daily basis. (I still have the calendar I marked up, and as of today, it’s 428/1957.) I hit the one year anniversary of being locked up on January 6. On April 15, it will be two years since the beginning of the nightmare—the day of my arrest. It’s difficult to imagine one’s life changing so drastically in the space of one 24-hour period.

Actually, I do want to see the “god book” from the class you were taking. I am always open to hearing the beliefs of others. The UU church I was going to when on house arrest has an element of the Sunday service called “This I believe.” On my last Sunday there, I was the speaker for that feature. Afterwards, several people came up and said I mirrored their beliefs. One even said she wanted to put it in the monthly newsletter. I don’t know if they ever did or not. A week later, the local paper ran the story of my sentencing that made me out to be a predatory monster, so I’m guessing they didn’t.

CLF (Church of the Larger Fellowship) sends me a newsletter every month called Quest and the UU World quarterly. Both contain inspirational articles that probably started out as sermons. So I use them for my Sunday morning readings when I’m out of sermons. They also have me signed up for a pen pal, which they say takes 6 to 8 months to put together. I guess there is a long waiting list.

All for now,

Love, Kent

The right side of the dirt

February 23, year 2

Thanks for your latest letter. I'll read the sermon Sunday. That's my equivalent for going to church...spending a few moments digesting a sermon.

Thanks also for finding and sending the "surviving in prison" tips. I haven't exactly followed everything listed. I have talked politics and religion, but I tend to do so with people I trust. Those are, almost without exception, people with charges similar to mine; people who got into something they shouldn't have and got caught up in it. The majority of men in here are career criminals, and I deduced early on that they all tend to suffer from arrested emotional development. Those I tend to associate with are a former high school teacher, a railroad engineer, an accountant, a diesel mechanic, and a housing contractor. I have nothing to fear from them.

You needn't worry about me. I still believe in the power of positive thought, as one of the sermons talked about. It has gotten me through nearly a year and a half of the worst time in my life. I am not abandoning it now.  I have started writing on a mystery novel with some humor thrown in. When depression threatens, it seems that engaging my sense of humor is a tonic for it.
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February 27

It is Sunday and I just read the sermon you sent by Rev. Forrest Church. However, I think I came away with a different message than he intended. The whole time I was reading it, I was aware that I was taking in the words, thoughts, and beliefs of someone who is no longer living. Born five years after me, he is gone and I am still here.

From time to time, in the course of this horrible journey I'm on, the thought has flitted through my mind that death would be preferable to the life I am now living. That thought never stays with me long enough to take root, but it does visit from time to time. Ultimately, I come to the conclusion that life, in any form, is better than the alternative. What gets my head into that negative space is the reality that this awful existence will continue for another five years and five months, with no certainty that the quality of life that awaits me after my release is going to be good. I like to envision myself living back in California, but in reality, I doubt that my fixed income will allow me to live anywhere in that state. There is also the reality I face of having to live as a registered sex offender, feared, loathed, and treated like a predator around whom no child will be safe. My movements will be tracked, my activities monitored and limited. No computer, no internet, no camera, no movies. I will never get to experience taking my granddaughter to Disneyland. All of that can really coalesce to take the wind out of my sails.

But then, I take a wider view--that the future is not set in stone and to a large degree, it is what we make of it. The small pleasures and satisfactions that I get in here are derived from moments in which I am able to help others. I had hoped to work in the education department, in which it would be my job to help others. Sadly, they do not hire people with my charge in that department.

But I can envision myself affiliating with a UU church wherever I end up living and using their community outreach efforts to be of service to others. It would be a nice way to live out my remaining years. So, in the end, I am happy that I'm still on the right side of the dirt and that maybe there is a reason why my life took the turn that it did.

Don't worry, I'm not falling apart and remain in reasonably good spirits, all things considered.

Love, Kent

Shadow work

February 12, year 2
Dear Dee,

Thanks for the sermons you sent. I have put them in a large envelope where I keep them all and dole them out to myself on Sunday mornings.

My depression problem seems to have abated after the holidays came to a close. One thing that has been helpful is a line that was contained in the first sermon you sent me, which I recently re-read. It quoted Buddhist philosophy, saying, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." I have made that into a kind of mantra and I repeat it to myself several times a day. It does seem to have a calming effect.

(Note: The following is in response to a chapter I sent Kent from a psychological self-help book. It deals with shadow work; described as the work of looking for, admitting, and consciously integrating the darker aspects of our character that we all carry. This process involves overcoming resentments built up over a lifetime and forgiving. The chapter quotes C.G. Jung:  "No matter how much parents and grandparents may have sinned against the child, the man who is really adult will accept these sins as his own condition which has to be reckoned with. Only a fool is interested in other people’s guilt. He will ask himself: Who am I that all this should have happened to me? To find the answer to this fateful question, he will look into his own heart.")

 I just finished reading the chapter you sent. It goes quite well with some Jungian material that someone from my old men's group has been sending me. Learning about the "shadow self" has gone a long way toward helping me reconcile myself with what I did. Prior to accessing this material, I was in a considerable quandary. I have always regarded myself as a "good person." So how does a good person end up doing such a terrible thing? A thing that leaves his life in ruin? A thing that violates to the core his entire moral center?  I have always loved children and have always believed that they should be cherished and protected. So what led me to do what I did, to participate--even from afar--in the abuse and exploitation of innocent children? The answer is that neither I, nor anyone else, is wholly a "good person." Nor is anyone completely bad. We are all of us creatures of both darkness and light. I let the darkness come out to play. I didn't take the steps I should have taken to insure that the light prevailed in my life. I'll never make that mistake again.

The chapter also dealt with forgiveness. I spent many years coming to grips with forgiving my dad for the verbal and emotional abuse that he heaped upon me as a child. I think I was pretty successful in that. When I realized in therapy that much of the acting out I was doing on the internet was traceable to my father's repeated characterization of me as "useless" and "worthless," it did not reignite the flames of anger that I used to feel toward him.

Much of the time in my most recent therapy was devoted to forgiving my mother. I had the toughest time understanding how a mother can choose her addiction over her family. And then I realized that I did exactly the same thing. I had to have known on some level that if what I was doing ever came to light, it would destroy my family. And somehow that wasn't sufficient to stop me. I just kept it up until what I feared came to pass.

(Note: I should clarify that when Kent speaks of losing his family, he's referring to his current wife and son and step-children. The adult daughter and the granddaughter he talks about are from a previous marriage, and he has regular contact with this daughter.)

My sister came to visit a week ago and it was great. I will be eligible for a transfer after serving 18 months and I am hoping to get to a place nearer to her and to my daughter. They would be able to visit more often. I want so much to have a relationship with my granddaughter, who will be about seven when I get out. I get all teary-eyed whenever I see commercials with grandparents interacting with kids. That's about it for this time. As always, I thank you for continuing to care about me.
Love, Kent

Why this blog?

Although I have gotten a good deal of positive feedback from friends about the impact of this blog, a few have wondered why I am publishing it. So I want to respond. The idea first occurred to me when I was recently re-reading Kent's letters and was struck by how much they, collectively, read like a book. I then asked Kent how he would feel about my publishing them in a blog and he said that he was flattered and was in favor of it. It is not hard to project how he might seek understanding and acceptance as a human being.

Secondly, although no one would condone the actions that led to his arrest, I believe that people deserve a second chance--that incarceration and subsequent lifetime probation should not be imposed purely for the sake of punishment. I believe that Kent and many like him pose no threat to society. True, intervention in illicit internet activities is necessary, but the extremes to which our society goes to make sure offenders can never again live normal and productive lives are not within the bounds of humane treatment. Contrary to conventional wisdom, people who have done studies on internet porn cases state that there is no cause and effect relationship between possession of child pornography and hands-on offending, and they are appealing to the US Sentencing Commission for changes in mandatory sentencing and other guidelines. They estimate the risk factor at 0% to .013%. A Swiss study puts it at 1%.

A third reason for sharing this story is that I think it affirming for Unitarian Universalists to know that our religion can support and bolster a person in the throes of self-recrimination and remorse. It is a lifeline in the deep and dark ocean in which he lives.

~Dee

2000 and some to go--UU helps

October 30, day 297/2088 to go
Dear Dee,
I have heard from Church of the Larger Fellowship and I believe I have just finished qualifying for membership. They have a three-part correspondence course in which they send you some writings about UU, its history, its philosophy, etc. Then, after each one, they have a series of nine questions about what you've read. These aren't right or wrong answers, but rather the questions seek to evoke a response or reaction to what the material covered.

I got some pictures of my daughter's visit. They were not allowed to bring in a camera, but the way it works is that I buy photo tickets from the commissary for $1 apiece. Then they have an inmate on hand with a digital camera who takes the pictures. We get them 2 to 3 weeks later.

Thanks for sending me "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." It has been on my to-read list for years. I would have gotten to it much sooner if someone had told me it was like sci-fi as written by Monty Python.
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November 29, day 327/2058 to go

Dear Dee,
Thanks for your latest letter. And no, you can't send me pens. I can only have the Bics that I get from the commissary.

It's true that UU has been a real help to me at this time in my life. I consider it a gift all by itself.

I agree with you about Lindsay Lohan. There is a mean-spirited element to our culture that loves to put people up on pedestals and tear them down and stomp on them. This young girl is clearly in the grip of an addiction that she hasn't been able to conquer. Speaking as someone who had a good life destroyed by an addiction, I can only empathize with her.

You asked about if or how I keep my things private. I'm never alone, so I do take some precautions. I keep a daily journal but I write it in code, just in case anyone else gets their hands on it. My locker, a tiny thing that holds everything I own, has a combination lock on it. But the lock has a keyhole on the back so that any of the guards or staff can open it at any time. So in the end, there is no privacy. But things are reasonably safe from the other inmates.

Thanks again for being there. Love, Kent

Food for the soul

October 17, day 280 of 2101

Dear Dee,
Well, I finally got to see my granddaughter and she let me hold her. What a joy it was! It was one of the best days of my life. Ironic, I know, having one of the best days of my life happen in a place like this, but there you go. They came here on a Saturday and came back on Sunday. The first day was difficult because they couldn't bring in things to eat and drink, and we didn't know they had to have a stock of quarters to feed the vending machines. They came back the next day with lots of quarters and we got to visit for 4 or 5 hours. My granddaughter is not walking yet and was pretty mellow.

I noticed that when you sent me the sermon on addiction, that you had downloaded it from your church's website. I wonder if you would have the time and inclination to go there and pick some of your favorites to send me. I have decided to parcel them out to myself, reading one each Sunday morning in a sliver of time that I have reserved to feed my spirituality. They don't have to be germane to my situation as the previous one was. Anything that you find inspirational or uplifting would do. I just want to keep in touch with things that will make me think and feel. You will have my undying gratitude if you can do this.

Love, Kent

Waiting for Santa Claus

September 24, day 261

Dear Dee,
So tomorrow is the day I have waited for for so long. My daughter and husband and granddaughter are coming to visit. I finally get to meet that little angel. I just received some birthday pictures of her and they brought tears to my eyes--sadness because I couldn't be there and joy because she is so beautiful. What incredible eyes she has. I guess it's touch and go as to whether she will let me hold her as I'm told she's going through a clingy stage. I'll take it slow and see what happens.

Alas, I did not get the job in the Education Department. Never even got to interview for it. I have been told that the Education Department does not hire anyone with charges similar to mine--this was from a former teacher who they also would not hire. So it looks like I will be stuck slinging hash for the foreseeable future. It's a real disappointment because it would have given a sense of meaning and purpose to the time I have to spend here.

The sermon you sent was very timely and of great meaning to me. I only got the first two pages read before we got called to dinner, so I will finish it after I finish this letter. I wish there was some program to deal with addictions. I'm told a former psychologist here proposed some programs for the inmates, but they did not fly.

I am hanging in there. The "one day at a time" thing is getting me through it. But I continue to hope for changes in the sentencing guidelines that might somehow shorten this process. I guess that's a little like waiting for Santa Claus. But in the end, I guess there's nothing wrong with hope.

Thanks again for being there for me. Your loving support means the world to me.

Love, Kent

A noisy dorm

August 18, day 224

Dear Dee,
Thanks for sending the reformatted  copy of the book I wrote while in house arrest. (Note: This is a light, comedic caper type of story which he later had a friend put out as a Kindle book.) I wanted it because there are a few men here who are interested in writing, and glommed onto me when they found out that I write. They were interested in reading my stuff.

I didn't know that you were in a women's group. I was in a men's group for about seventeen years before I moved away. I'm still in touch with them and they have been very supportive of me over the last year.

I probably don't watch more than three or four hours of TV a week because I don't often agree with their choices. But tonight there was a delightful little movie on Showtime called "You Can Count on Me" which I totally enjoyed. Usually, I just prefer to read and am still going through 3 to 4 books a week.

I'm still working in food service, hairnet and all (my pennance for having made fun of the cafeteria lady). (Note: I asked him in my next letter whether this exchange with the lady was a light-hearted one and he said it was.) My three months are up on September 7. At that point, I will apply to the Education Department, which includes the library. I could either work in the library or perhaps tutor people going for their GED. Or I could teach a creative writing class.

Thanks for including the UU material. I could really identify with Rev. Morales' Huffpo article, especially his question, "What must it do to the human soul to be part of such an abusive system?" Thanks also for the sermon on suffering. Please feel free in the future to send any sermons that you think might apply.

No, my cell is not a quiet place. I have tried twice to get moved, but to no avail. These are not cells per se, but rather dorm-style cubicles. They are designed for four people but have six instead. Some of my cellies are very loud and thoughtless and have others in and out all the time. Just falling asleep is a major problem. Then there is noise from the other cubicles and the common area, where they watch TV and play cards. There is no door to close against that. There are up to 200 men in this unit so it is never quiet.

I have yet to see any violence here. People who have worked their way down to low security are afraid of losing that status. There are cameras everywhere and anyone caught fighting goes to "the hole" (solitary) for a good long time.

As for exercise, there is a pretty good rec yard, but the heat and humidity have been oppressive since I got here. We caught a little breeze today so I went out and walked a mile. I will do more when the heat abates for the season.

I have three or four people I talk with. One is a cellmate, the others have charges similar to mine, so they aren't career criminals and tend to be more intelligent.

Well, that about wraps it up for this time. Stay in touch and, as always, thank you for your loving support.

Love, Kent

Reading is my life

July 15, day 190

Dear Dee,

Thanks for your latest letter and special thanks for your subscription to The Week, which started arriving three weeks ago. I'm loving it!

You said your recent car trip wouldn't be "my cup of tea," but it sure did sound interesting and fun. Maybe you're remembering me wrong--or perhaps I have changed. I daresay I would find anything that wasn't behind razor-wire fences to be pretty engaging these days.

I was fascinated to read your husband's family history. It is a sobering thought to realize that we are not that many generations removed from slavery. I wish more families were as scrupulous about passing that information down the line. Before she died, my aunt sent me an old family bible and a box containing a family tree that my grandfather commissioned that went back to the 1600s when my family came over from Europe. There were also some pictures, including my geat-great-grandfather, a preacher with a withered arm who otherwise looked just like my dad. Somehow I have lost track of the box. I hope it turns up among my things when I get them back.

Thanks for sending the sermon too. I gave it a cursory read, but I want to give it another look when I can find a quiet place and can give it the attention it deserves. The noise level is always high here. It's like living among 200 rowdy pre-schoolers, except the "tots" are six feet tall and heavily muscled.

On the same day your letter arrived, I received the application to the UU Church of the Larger Fellowship. It looks ideal for my situation.

I have a steady stream of reading material, thanks to the library and a few books that people have sent me.

Temperature control is iffy. All the buildings are air-conditioned, but it keeps going out. Once it was out for a full week and a half and we complained bitterly every day. So once they got it fixed, they kept the temperature down in the high 50s for the next two weeks as punishment for complaining.

I am finally making some headway at pulling myself up out of the depression that has enveloped me since I got here in May. The idea that this is my life for the next six years, followed by lifetime supervised release, is so stifling and lacking in hope. I don't know of anyone who has succeeded in destroying their entire life as much as I have. But it is what it is, and the only way I can deal with it is by taking things in the 12-step tradition of one day at a time. Anything beyond that is just too overwhelming.

I think I am close to receiving a spare pair of glasses to replace the ones I have been without since April, so I will finally be able to watch television. That's good, because right now, I'm burning through five to six books a week, almost one a day. It's all I have to do.

I'm now working in the kitchen five days a week in the mornings through lunch. I am on the serving line and raking in $18.36 per month, not quite what I made before, but every dollar helps. And the job does help the days go by a little faster.

Well, there you have all that is new and interesting (?) in my life. Stay in touch.

Love, Kent

Don't let your time do you

June 10, day 156

Dear Dee,
Thanks for the newsy letter. Interesting that you commented on my keeping track of the day number. I've been mulling over the idea that maybe I should give that up. One of the inmates told me he read a book titled, "Do Your Time, Don't Let Your Time Do You." In it, they recommended that you not obsess about how much time you've done and how much remains to be done. When I consider the 156 days, it seems pretty puny compared to the more than 2,200 that remain. So I may stop keeping count. I'm trying every trick in the book to shake off this depression.
I got quite a laugh from the material you reprinted from the prison website. The only true item was the 40-hour Drug Education Program. There is no counseling available at the unit level and, while there is a staff psychologist, he works in administration only doing an entry interview with each new person. It was during that interview that I found out there is no treatment available.
Thanks for the info on the UU Church of the Larger Fellowship Prison Ministry. I'll write them tomorrow. BTW, they do have e-mail here but I'm not allowed to use it because of the nature of my charge. I do have a lot of time to write letters and love to get as many letters as possible.

Yes, I do have a job. I just started it a week ago...I'm ladling out slop in the chow hall. For this I get $5 a month. I have a small pension from before that covers my commissary items--soap, deodorant, toothpaste, snacks, and soft drinks. My social security payments stopped when I came in.

This morning I saw a doctor and asked him how to go about getting my blood pressure meds. "You mean you've been without then since you got here?" He was quite surprised and promised to get them going within a day.

I just got some new pictures of my granddaughter. She always seems to be smiling...must be a happy baby. I can't wait to see her, hold her and smother her with kisses. I'll go slow so I don't scare her. Yes, the visiting rules here are very strict so we'll see how long she lasts.

I have lost nearly 30 pounds since coming in. The process has slowed somewhat since I started getting snacks and I plan to start cutting back so I can continue to lose. I'm not really dieting. It's just that the food is so lacking in nourishment. It's heavy on the rice and beans.

Feel free to write often.

Love, Kent

Kent's new home

Kent was sentenced to 7 and 1/2 years with the probability of getting out a year earlier for good behavior. The judge also ordered lifetime parole. For the next two months, during which he was again shuffled around from one local facility to another, his friends and family awaited news of where he had been taken.  My next letter was 85 days later.

June 2, day 144

Dear Dee,
I guess you've heard by now about the place where I ended up. What has sustained me since January was the promise that a better life awaited me in the federal prison system. Virtually everything I heard about that does not apply here. This place is geared solely toward punishment without so much as a cursory nod toward rehabilitation. I had been lead to believe that the population here would be primarily white collar. Not even close. (Note: He includes more detail about the fellow inmates, but I will leave that to your imagination.)

The book and magazine mailing policy is better here. You can send books and magazines directly to me as long as the books are paperbacks. Hardbacks must come directly from a vendor. So you can send me back issues of The Week magazine like you did when I was in house arrest. I read it cover to cover as soon as I get it. Any that you do send must be clearly labelled "Contains reading matter" or it will be returned to you unopened.. Limit is 5 books at a time.

It looks like my daughter and her husband and the baby may visit me sometime in the next few months. I am waiting with excitement to meet that little one for the very first time. I'm just so sorry that it has to be here.

I hope I didn't depress you too much with this letter. I've been having a tough time since arriving throwing off the mantle of depression that descended on me once I realized this was as good as it was ever going to get. These next six years, followed by lifetime supervised release, do not make for anything positive for my golden years.

In limbo

During the next six months, Kent remained in house arrest. He called occasionally and I sent him magazines and books. He had written to all of his old friends that he was still in contact with and most responded with good wishes. During this period, he searched for sources of strength to help get him through the scary, unknown future—I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to be in limbo awaiting sentencing for who knows how long and who knows where.

One day he told me that he had remembered a conversation we’d had a couple of years earlier in which I said, “You are a Unitarian Universalist and don’t know it. You should try going to a service sometime.” At the time, he replied that he liked his Sunday morning ritual of drinking coffee and reading the paper and didn’t feel motivated to join any religious movement. But now, he sought out a UU church near him and started going and even took one of their UU history classes. He connected with the minister there, who was kind and sympathetic even after Kent told him of his situation.

The federal mandatory sentence for possessing child porn is 5 years. Since the time he spent in house arrest doesn’t count as time served, he surrendered to the court at the beginning of January before his sentencing hearing and was held in several county lockups. In some facilities, he asked to be put in isolation—he was frightened of the other prisoners because of the nature of his charge. He didn’t stay there long, however, as he didn’t have reading material and couldn’t take the boredom. In the beginning, he kept track of the number of days of his confinement.

March 7, day 59

I got some pictures from my daughter of my grandbaby sitting up. I am limited to having only 2 pictures here, but you can embed them into your letter and I think they will get through. Thanks for the letter and magazines, but you’d best hold off before sending anything else here. My sentencing date is March 16, so I will probably be moved soon. After sentencing, I will be bounced around for probably a month or so before I finally get wherever I’m going, so I’ll be virtually unreachable. I’m glad to be getting on with it, though nervous about how long the sentence will be.

You asked if I see any news. In the last place, I did get to see the occasional newscast, although the favored viewing is more along the lines of Jerry Springer and Friday Night Wrestling. Here, the TV is controlled by a half dozen ghetto “gangstas” whose afternoon viewing tastes run more toward watching makeup tips on Tyra Banks show because they like looking at the women.

I am getting through this in the 12-step tradition of one day at a time. I’m keeping my emotions in neutral, trying not to feel anything until I get someplace where I will have the tools to deal with them. This is hard for me after having spent so many years working to be in touch with my feelings. Sometimes, late at night, I think about what I have done to my life and get overwhelmed. I try to imagine what life will be like after this debt is paid. I know I will be branded for life. Did you know that it’s difficult for a convicted felon to get a passport and there are many countries that won’t let you in? Just one of many limitations that I will deal with, not that I could afford international travel anyway. I’m glad for the traveling that I have done in my life before this happened.

I’ll bring this mournful dirge to a close now, looking forward to a time when we can reconnect. As always, your love and support are appreciated more than words can convey.

Love, Kent

Making the best of house arrest

June 4, pre-lockup

Dear Dee,
Your latest CARE package arrived today and was much appreciated. I have written to most of my family and long-time friends and have heard from J & M as well as CA. They have sent me books to read and M sent a tin of Neiman-Marcus chocolate chip cookies, Comfort food indeed!

Life for me hasn't changed much since we last spoke. I'm getting out for a therapy session once a week and, next week, that will increase to two per week. I have also been attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous on Sunday afternoons. I hope to soon get a court ruling on a motion to allow me to be out for more meetings as well as an hour each week to do my own grocery shopping. I can't tell you what a treat it is to just step out the front door and breathe in the fresh air. On the way back, I stop at a popular local bakery and buy a couple of donuts for my next day's breakfast. I take much joy in these simple pleasures.

The legal situation is pretty much frozen in place until they finish going over the computers, camera, CDs, etc. that were confiscated on the day of the arrest. After that, I guess the prosecutor makes a plea offer. I got a small ray of hope last week when a story ran in the paper that a man charged with a similar offense had been recommended five years probation. I have the same prosecutor as he, but we have different judges and there isn't any guarantee that either judge will go along with the recommended sentence. So I hope for the best as I prepare for the worst.

I continue to be grateful for the support I get by phone with a call nearly every day from someone...my daughter, my nephew, you and other friends. The list continues to grow and I marvel at the level of goodness in people. Sadly, however, my family here is steeped in anger and resentment. I guess that makes sense when you consider that they were betrayed on a grander scale than anyone else. I wanted to be the best dad I could be to my son and give him someone to look up to. Now, in the blink of an eye, I have taken all that from him.

The future is a very scary place for me right now. So all I can do is try to get through each day and do a little healing if I can. I cannot change what I have done, only what I do from here on out. I am determined to try each day to bring a little good into the world instead of ugliness. I know that these 12-step meetings will be a regular ingredient in my life for the rest of my time. I will ensure that nothing like this ever happens again.

I keep a picture of my daughter and me on her wedding day on my dresser as a daily reminder of happier times. I look forward to the birth of that precious baby of hers as a signpost pointing toward other happiness to come. I hope it isn't too long before I am able to hold her.

Thanks again for standing with me. When all of this went down, I couldn't imagine that anyone would.

Love, Kent

How do I explain the unexplainable?

Shock, disbelief and sadness washed over me when I learned that a good friend of mine had been arrested for possession of child pornography. Like you, I felt some degree of disgust and wondered how someone I knew as a warm, generous, and productive person could have gotten sucked into such a world. My first letter from him (while still under house arrest):

April 21, pre-lockup

Dear Dee,

By now you’ve heard the horrible news and had some time to sit with it. I just got off the phone with my daughter, who is pregnant as you know, and found out she’s having a girl. It was a ray of sunshine into a life that is suddenly very dark. I am so pleased for them. It’s the closest I’ve been able to get to happiness in the last six days.

How do I explain the unexplainable? I have always had an attraction to porn. Over the years, that “attraction” began to manifest itself as a full-blown addiction. About 10 years ago, I got into a 12-step Sex Addicts Anonymous group. As a result of that, I got a pretty good hold on the problem. But as with any addiction that you don’t stay on top of, it began to creep back into my life. Add to that the easy availability of that stuff on the internet, coupled with a retired guy with way too much time on his hands, and you have a recipe for disaster.

What happened is that I got involved in chat rooms in which I would assume an alternate identity…a horrible, predatory, vile individual who seemed to appeal to those I was chatting with. While this fictitious character was the polar opposite of who I am, I got a perverse kick out of playing him. In fact, that kick took precedence over any porn involved. What brought me down was when I ended up playing this role in a chat with an undercover police officer.

I wanted to write first and lay the groundwork before I talk to you. I hope you will call when you feel ready.

Love, Kent