February 23, year 2
Thanks for your latest letter. I'll read the sermon Sunday. That's my equivalent for going to church...spending a few moments digesting a sermon.
Thanks also for finding and sending the "surviving in prison" tips. I haven't exactly followed everything listed. I have talked politics and religion, but I tend to do so with people I trust. Those are, almost without exception, people with charges similar to mine; people who got into something they shouldn't have and got caught up in it. The majority of men in here are career criminals, and I deduced early on that they all tend to suffer from arrested emotional development. Those I tend to associate with are a former high school teacher, a railroad engineer, an accountant, a diesel mechanic, and a housing contractor. I have nothing to fear from them.
You needn't worry about me. I still believe in the power of positive thought, as one of the sermons talked about. It has gotten me through nearly a year and a half of the worst time in my life. I am not abandoning it now. I have started writing on a mystery novel with some humor thrown in. When depression threatens, it seems that engaging my sense of humor is a tonic for it.
---------------------------
February 27
It is Sunday and I just read the sermon you sent by Rev. Forrest Church. However, I think I came away with a different message than he intended. The whole time I was reading it, I was aware that I was taking in the words, thoughts, and beliefs of someone who is no longer living. Born five years after me, he is gone and I am still here.
From time to time, in the course of this horrible journey I'm on, the thought has flitted through my mind that death would be preferable to the life I am now living. That thought never stays with me long enough to take root, but it does visit from time to time. Ultimately, I come to the conclusion that life, in any form, is better than the alternative. What gets my head into that negative space is the reality that this awful existence will continue for another five years and five months, with no certainty that the quality of life that awaits me after my release is going to be good. I like to envision myself living back in California, but in reality, I doubt that my fixed income will allow me to live anywhere in that state. There is also the reality I face of having to live as a registered sex offender, feared, loathed, and treated like a predator around whom no child will be safe. My movements will be tracked, my activities monitored and limited. No computer, no internet, no camera, no movies. I will never get to experience taking my granddaughter to Disneyland. All of that can really coalesce to take the wind out of my sails.
But then, I take a wider view--that the future is not set in stone and to a large degree, it is what we make of it. The small pleasures and satisfactions that I get in here are derived from moments in which I am able to help others. I had hoped to work in the education department, in which it would be my job to help others. Sadly, they do not hire people with my charge in that department.
But I can envision myself affiliating with a UU church wherever I end up living and using their community outreach efforts to be of service to others. It would be a nice way to live out my remaining years. So, in the end, I am happy that I'm still on the right side of the dirt and that maybe there is a reason why my life took the turn that it did.
Don't worry, I'm not falling apart and remain in reasonably good spirits, all things considered.
Love, Kent
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Shadow work
February 12, year 2
Dear Dee,
Thanks for the sermons you sent. I have put them in a large envelope where I keep them all and dole them out to myself on Sunday mornings.
My depression problem seems to have abated after the holidays came to a close. One thing that has been helpful is a line that was contained in the first sermon you sent me, which I recently re-read. It quoted Buddhist philosophy, saying, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." I have made that into a kind of mantra and I repeat it to myself several times a day. It does seem to have a calming effect.
(Note: The following is in response to a chapter I sent Kent from a psychological self-help book. It deals with shadow work; described as the work of looking for, admitting, and consciously integrating the darker aspects of our character that we all carry. This process involves overcoming resentments built up over a lifetime and forgiving. The chapter quotes C.G. Jung: "No matter how much parents and grandparents may have sinned against the child, the man who is really adult will accept these sins as his own condition which has to be reckoned with. Only a fool is interested in other people’s guilt. He will ask himself: Who am I that all this should have happened to me? To find the answer to this fateful question, he will look into his own heart.")
I just finished reading the chapter you sent. It goes quite well with some Jungian material that someone from my old men's group has been sending me. Learning about the "shadow self" has gone a long way toward helping me reconcile myself with what I did. Prior to accessing this material, I was in a considerable quandary. I have always regarded myself as a "good person." So how does a good person end up doing such a terrible thing? A thing that leaves his life in ruin? A thing that violates to the core his entire moral center? I have always loved children and have always believed that they should be cherished and protected. So what led me to do what I did, to participate--even from afar--in the abuse and exploitation of innocent children? The answer is that neither I, nor anyone else, is wholly a "good person." Nor is anyone completely bad. We are all of us creatures of both darkness and light. I let the darkness come out to play. I didn't take the steps I should have taken to insure that the light prevailed in my life. I'll never make that mistake again.
The chapter also dealt with forgiveness. I spent many years coming to grips with forgiving my dad for the verbal and emotional abuse that he heaped upon me as a child. I think I was pretty successful in that. When I realized in therapy that much of the acting out I was doing on the internet was traceable to my father's repeated characterization of me as "useless" and "worthless," it did not reignite the flames of anger that I used to feel toward him.
Much of the time in my most recent therapy was devoted to forgiving my mother. I had the toughest time understanding how a mother can choose her addiction over her family. And then I realized that I did exactly the same thing. I had to have known on some level that if what I was doing ever came to light, it would destroy my family. And somehow that wasn't sufficient to stop me. I just kept it up until what I feared came to pass.
(Note: I should clarify that when Kent speaks of losing his family, he's referring to his current wife and son and step-children. The adult daughter and the granddaughter he talks about are from a previous marriage, and he has regular contact with this daughter.)
My sister came to visit a week ago and it was great. I will be eligible for a transfer after serving 18 months and I am hoping to get to a place nearer to her and to my daughter. They would be able to visit more often. I want so much to have a relationship with my granddaughter, who will be about seven when I get out. I get all teary-eyed whenever I see commercials with grandparents interacting with kids. That's about it for this time. As always, I thank you for continuing to care about me.
Love, Kent
Dear Dee,
Thanks for the sermons you sent. I have put them in a large envelope where I keep them all and dole them out to myself on Sunday mornings.
My depression problem seems to have abated after the holidays came to a close. One thing that has been helpful is a line that was contained in the first sermon you sent me, which I recently re-read. It quoted Buddhist philosophy, saying, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." I have made that into a kind of mantra and I repeat it to myself several times a day. It does seem to have a calming effect.
(Note: The following is in response to a chapter I sent Kent from a psychological self-help book. It deals with shadow work; described as the work of looking for, admitting, and consciously integrating the darker aspects of our character that we all carry. This process involves overcoming resentments built up over a lifetime and forgiving. The chapter quotes C.G. Jung: "No matter how much parents and grandparents may have sinned against the child, the man who is really adult will accept these sins as his own condition which has to be reckoned with. Only a fool is interested in other people’s guilt. He will ask himself: Who am I that all this should have happened to me? To find the answer to this fateful question, he will look into his own heart.")
I just finished reading the chapter you sent. It goes quite well with some Jungian material that someone from my old men's group has been sending me. Learning about the "shadow self" has gone a long way toward helping me reconcile myself with what I did. Prior to accessing this material, I was in a considerable quandary. I have always regarded myself as a "good person." So how does a good person end up doing such a terrible thing? A thing that leaves his life in ruin? A thing that violates to the core his entire moral center? I have always loved children and have always believed that they should be cherished and protected. So what led me to do what I did, to participate--even from afar--in the abuse and exploitation of innocent children? The answer is that neither I, nor anyone else, is wholly a "good person." Nor is anyone completely bad. We are all of us creatures of both darkness and light. I let the darkness come out to play. I didn't take the steps I should have taken to insure that the light prevailed in my life. I'll never make that mistake again.
The chapter also dealt with forgiveness. I spent many years coming to grips with forgiving my dad for the verbal and emotional abuse that he heaped upon me as a child. I think I was pretty successful in that. When I realized in therapy that much of the acting out I was doing on the internet was traceable to my father's repeated characterization of me as "useless" and "worthless," it did not reignite the flames of anger that I used to feel toward him.
Much of the time in my most recent therapy was devoted to forgiving my mother. I had the toughest time understanding how a mother can choose her addiction over her family. And then I realized that I did exactly the same thing. I had to have known on some level that if what I was doing ever came to light, it would destroy my family. And somehow that wasn't sufficient to stop me. I just kept it up until what I feared came to pass.
(Note: I should clarify that when Kent speaks of losing his family, he's referring to his current wife and son and step-children. The adult daughter and the granddaughter he talks about are from a previous marriage, and he has regular contact with this daughter.)
My sister came to visit a week ago and it was great. I will be eligible for a transfer after serving 18 months and I am hoping to get to a place nearer to her and to my daughter. They would be able to visit more often. I want so much to have a relationship with my granddaughter, who will be about seven when I get out. I get all teary-eyed whenever I see commercials with grandparents interacting with kids. That's about it for this time. As always, I thank you for continuing to care about me.
Love, Kent
Why this blog?
Although I have gotten a good deal of positive feedback from friends about the impact of this blog, a few have wondered why I am publishing it. So I want to respond. The idea first occurred to me when I was recently re-reading Kent's letters and was struck by how much they, collectively, read like a book. I then asked Kent how he would feel about my publishing them in a blog and he said that he was flattered and was in favor of it. It is not hard to project how he might seek understanding and acceptance as a human being.
Secondly, although no one would condone the actions that led to his arrest, I believe that people deserve a second chance--that incarceration and subsequent lifetime probation should not be imposed purely for the sake of punishment. I believe that Kent and many like him pose no threat to society. True, intervention in illicit internet activities is necessary, but the extremes to which our society goes to make sure offenders can never again live normal and productive lives are not within the bounds of humane treatment. Contrary to conventional wisdom, people who have done studies on internet porn cases state that there is no cause and effect relationship between possession of child pornography and hands-on offending, and they are appealing to the US Sentencing Commission for changes in mandatory sentencing and other guidelines. They estimate the risk factor at 0% to .013%. A Swiss study puts it at 1%.
A third reason for sharing this story is that I think it affirming for Unitarian Universalists to know that our religion can support and bolster a person in the throes of self-recrimination and remorse. It is a lifeline in the deep and dark ocean in which he lives.
~Dee
Secondly, although no one would condone the actions that led to his arrest, I believe that people deserve a second chance--that incarceration and subsequent lifetime probation should not be imposed purely for the sake of punishment. I believe that Kent and many like him pose no threat to society. True, intervention in illicit internet activities is necessary, but the extremes to which our society goes to make sure offenders can never again live normal and productive lives are not within the bounds of humane treatment. Contrary to conventional wisdom, people who have done studies on internet porn cases state that there is no cause and effect relationship between possession of child pornography and hands-on offending, and they are appealing to the US Sentencing Commission for changes in mandatory sentencing and other guidelines. They estimate the risk factor at 0% to .013%. A Swiss study puts it at 1%.
A third reason for sharing this story is that I think it affirming for Unitarian Universalists to know that our religion can support and bolster a person in the throes of self-recrimination and remorse. It is a lifeline in the deep and dark ocean in which he lives.
~Dee
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