Living in the Future

To readers from Dee: In his letter of July 29, 2012, Steve began to talk about where he might go to live when he is released (even though his release date was still four years away). Steve’s presiding judge sentenced him to lifetime supervision, which requires him to report monthly to his probation officer (PO). For the rest of his life, he must obtain permission from his PO to leave the state; have any direct contact with anyone under the age of 18; enter any area where children frequently congregate including, but not limited to, schools daycare centers, theme parks; theaters, and playgrounds (imagine if he was someone who had young children of his own!); possess or use any media forms containing sexually oriented material; own any camera or recording device; or use a computer or gaming device or cell phone (anything capable of internet connection whether or not such connection exists). As you can see, his quality of life will be greatly influenced by the luck of the draw when it comes to PO assignments.

It is interesting to note that the judge also recommended that Steve “participate in intensive sex offender treatment and educational and vocational programs during incarceration.” No such programs exist in his federal prison!

Although Steve’s was a federal offense because it took place over the internet, federal probation officers generally follow the rules laid down by the state in which they operate. Following the passage of a law in Florida in 2005 commonly referred to as Jessica’s law, all but about six states have enacted laws either allowing or requiring electronic monitoring of SOs, among other things. Though I could not ascertain from my internet research which monitoring laws might apply to him because most descriptions I saw referred to “certain SOs” or “specified SOs,” California, the state where Steve grew up and had his career and in which his child and grandchildren live, requires GPS monitoring of SOs for life regardless of whether or not they ever touched a child inappropriately.

In addition, many states have laws about SOs not being allowed to live within 1000 feet or 2000 feet of any place where children gather. This includes preschools, schools, children’s recreation areas, parks, and in some cities, even churches. Many corrections departments have come to realize that residency restrictions hamper the reentry process for offenders, make it more likely that they will not get treatment, and increase their chances of recidivism. Often, they are forced to live in remote areas where they cannot easily access services or employment, and it is well documented that an increasing number of SOs are becoming homeless. It’s no wonder, then, that Steve was casting around for information on states in which he might have an actual chance of living a semi-normal life.

In his letter of August 5, 2012, Steve wrote:

Dear Dee,

Your packet on federal probation and supervised release was pretty overwhelming and sent me into a downward spiral for a time. I was having thoughts of “What’s the point? If I can’t be near or with those I love, what kind of quality of life is going to be possible?” I got past that and am doing my best to stay focused on what can be achieved as opposed to what cannot. The GPS ankle bracelet thing is a deal breaker. I cannot and will not spend the rest of my life being tracked like a wild animal. I am not and have never been a predator. I have even thought of the radical solution of fleeing the country altogether. There is still a lot of research to be done. It seems to me that we need to focus our attention on finding a place where they make some kind of distinction between child molesters and those who have done what I did. The only real hope I have is that some of those laws will get re-examined in the next four years. With the increasing numbers of people being locked up for this, it’s going to place an enormous burden on the probation departments as these people move through the system and beck out into the free world.

I signed my divorce papers yesterday. It’s a done deal, but of course, I’m still financially attached to P. until the house sells. At the moment, no one is even looking at it. If we can disengage our finances by the mid-point of my sentence, next April, then I will have a chance to save up nearly $100,000 from my pensions by the time I am released, but that’s a big “if.”

Fleck’s piece this week was titled “Living in the Present.” It says that the past and the future are reference points for where we’ve been and where we hope to go, but we cannot act in the future or the past, only in the present. Do you think he’s telling me not to obsess about my life four years from now?

That’s it for this week. Send sermons!

Love, Steve

Killing Time

July 22, 2012

Dear Dee,

The TV Guide crossword book finally arrived! There is a section called “Classic Puzzles” in which they reprint puzzles dating from 1954 through 1994. I amaze myself at what facts I still carry around in my head regarding television as far back as 1954 when I was eleven.

So far, I don’t feel much different being 69, though the number does tend to evoke snickers when I mention it, the result of a kind of Beavis & Butthead mentality that tends to prevail here.

Church: Amy Levy-Lyons piece, “The Opium of the People” struck a chord with me. I’ve been sensing for a while now that I am not making the best use of my time here. When I was under house arrest, with the entirety of my prison experience stretching before me, I had plans to be of service here, perhaps working in the educational department, teaching creative writing or screenwriting or perhaps tutoring inmates going for their GED. But the woman who runs that department has an open hatred of sex offenders and will not allow any to work there. I also fantasized about perhaps trying to weasel a video camera and a computer out of them and starting a film workshop where the inmates could be taught how to write, shoot, edit and score their own movies. But that would fall under the recreation dept. and the guy who runs that also maintains a “No SOs” policy. In fact, the only places we can work here are in the dining hall, where I do, and picking up trash on the compound. All the other jobs are reserved for those with nobler charges such as drug dealing and gun running.

I still maintain a desire to help others and do so whenever the opportunity presents itself. I critique writing projects that some inmates have launched for themselves, and I am doing typing for a friend’s project of writing 366 daily religious devotionals.  But overall, I would have to say I am guilty of what Rev. Levy-Lyons calls killing time. I don’t even spend nearly enough time on my own writing. I guess the message for me here is that I need to be more proactive in finding better uses for my time. I’ve been guilty of regarding this prison sentence as an interruption of my life rather than a part of it.

Fleck’s chapter, “Be Not Angry with Yourself” also resonated with me. I have been—and remain—profoundly angry at myself over what I did to destroy my life. I know it stands in the way of my being able to forgive myself. Fleck writes: “Being angry with oneself is a barren preoccupation. It wages a losing battle with the past, for what is done is done. One has to live with it, even if it is embarrassing, hurtful, imperfect. “Wow!” Words expressly for me from a man I’ve never met who is many years dead. I wrote last week of the piece I intend to write to the children in the pictures. I still haven’t put pen to paper because one of the stumbling blocks has been—how do I dare ask for the forgiveness of others when I still have not been able to forgive myself? I’ve pretty much decided to include that conundrum as a part of the piece. Another reason I am slow to write it is that I want it to be the best thing I’ve ever written. So I don’t want to rush it. But I do hope Dr. Fleck’s words help propel me in the direction of self-forgiveness.

So that’s it for another week. May I continue, with your help and support, to grow in tiny but measurable ways.

Love, Steve