Ruminations on Insulting God

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Dear Dee:

              

                I’m jumping ahead a bit to the “church” portion of this letter to talk about the subject of forgiveness. I get the distinct impression that all the forces of The Field are reaching out to tell me that it’s time to forgive myself. First, there was the Scott Alexander sermon, which is still resonating. Then today, I read a piece from “Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul.” It was very evangelical and not of much interest to me. But when I finished, I turned the page to insert a bookmark and saw that the next chapter was titled “On Forgiveness.” The page contained the following quote: “Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible hurtful behavior. Nor is it the superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.” 

               It seemed to carry the same message as Rev. Alexander’s sermon: If I am to get on with my life, self-forgiveness is essential. I don’t think I told you that after I wrote my apology piece for The Oakdale Chronicles, Tony handed me a biblical quote, I think from Ephesians. It said, in essence, that if I refused to forgive myself after God had already done so, then I was insulting God. It didn’t really connect with me right away. In fact, it made me a little angry, though I appreciated Tony’s good intentions. I didn’t really care if I was pissing off a god I didn’t believe in. I knew I couldn’t just declare myself forgiven if I didn’t feel it in my heart. But the collective effect of these last two messages is that I have begun to feel it. I have been praying (to the better part of myself, as always) to find room in my heart for this forgiveness. I think within the next few days, I’m going to try to find someplace quiet – perhaps the chapel or the rec yard – and hold a little ceremony for myself. I will meditate (something I’ve rarely been able to do since coming in here) and grant myself the forgiveness that I need. It’s time to move on.

                Speaking of moving on, my case manager had still not acted on re-submitting my transfer request as of last Tuesday. She had promised to do so within two weeks and this coming Tuesday will be one month. But I will continue inquiring about it every week until she acts. She did promise last week to include Barbara Lee’s letter with the application, though she said she couldn’t guarantee that someone else wouldn’t pull it out en route. We shall see.

                This past week saw the most savage and brutal confrontation between two men that I’ve witnessed or heard of since I’ve been here. They got into a fist fight over, of all things, whose turn it was to use a microwave oven. It only lasted a few seconds and seemed to be over and done with. But at 4 AM the next morning, one of them, still feeling wronged, got up, heated up a cup of water to the boiling point and added honey to it, creating a kind of homemade napalm. He then went to where the other man was sleeping and threw it in his face. When the guy leapt out of bed, the other one beat him in the head with a combination lock tied to the end of a belt. I didn’t see that part of it but I was awakened by the sound of it. They both went to the hole later that day. I have no doubt that the attacker will be shipped to a medium security facility. Someone that brutal has no place in a low.

                Today’s sermon was my last, so I hope more are on the way. If nothing comes before next Sunday, I have an old issue of The Quest tucked into my sermon envelope for just such an emergency.

                The chalice lighting from PM was on immigration and people following their dreams.

                The sermon by Rev. Chris Bell was on “Fear and Freedom.” It was from 2006 and he talked about how Bush had used fear to manipulate public opinion and how he had devalued the meaning of the word “freedom” with his nonsensical invoking of such phrases as “they hate us for our freedoms.” Bell said the desire for freedom is universal and is a human, not a political consideration.

                This dovetailed quite nicely with Rev Fleck’s piece, which was a rumination on the misuse of power. He took issue with Lord Acton’s famous quote, “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” He agreed with the second half but disagreed with the first, citing the power that a parent has over a child.

                All for now.

Love, Steve

Family Ties

(Note to reader: Any book on prison psychology will talk about the extreme difficulty of maintaining family ties while in prison. Yet, it is the single most important factor contributing to the mental well-being of the inmate while they are in as well as their success in reentering society when they get out. This letter illustrates Steve's frustration in trying to maintain his family relationships.)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Dear Dee:

                As I write these words, you are still peeping at the leaves. But you should be at home to receive this when it arrives. I hope your vacation was a renewing experience; perhaps even spiritual, as resplendent nature often can be.

                I have had some difficult phone conversations of late with our daughter.  I know she has a lot on her plate right now, which accounts for some of the stress.  But this experience – and yesterday’s call – have set me to thinking and I have decided that I need to change some of the ways in which I have been relating to her.

                Since the day of my arrest, she has never articulated how she feels about me having done what I did or being where I am. She had been a good and loyal soldier in expressing her love and support for me. But she has never verbalized – unless perhaps to a therapist – how all of this has affected her. My sense is that she is strung as tightly as a violin string right now. Her baby is due in a month, and a whole new avalanche of stress will be descending upon her – the total dependence of a new life and, of course, the additional pressure that will ensue as the 3-year-old begins to realize that she is no longer the sole focus of her parents’ lives. But I think one of the major stress points in her life right now – and for some time in recent years – has been me.

                My weekly phone calls to her began at her request so that she would know with some comfortable regularity that I was okay. Along the way, they became – for me – a means of connecting with the outside world and feeling supported. I think it also contributed to a certain level of neediness on my part. But these weekly calls always begin with that unctuous recording, informing the recipient of the call that she is receiving a call from an inmate in a federal prison. Then the call is further interrupted twice more to remind her of that fact, just in case she has succeeded in putting it out of her mind. I believe that these calls are creating and sustaining a higher level of stress for her. I think she would appreciate hearing from me a lot more if the calls were less of a ritual, less frequent and more irregular in pattern. I can honest say that I have acquired sufficient coping skills in here to ensure my continued safety for the rest of the time that I am in here. She doesn’t have to concern herself with that.  This isn’t me being churlish or running off to pout. This is a dad who loves his “little girl” more than anything else in the world and I’ll do anything to make certain that she doesn’t become overwhelmed by stress.

                Then there is the matter of our granddaughter herself. I was determined to force the issue and make myself a factor and a presence in her young life. With your help, I’ve tried to do that, but I have to face the fact that it isn’t working. We all had a good laugh over the fact that she handed the phone back to her mother and said, “I can’t see him.” But the reality is, at the age of three, if you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. From where I am, there is no way for me to be able to be the same kind of presence to her as people she sees all the time. That doesn’t mean I will shut her out or stop trying. But I will have a much better chance of gaining some purchase in her life when she gets a little older. If I can get that transfer to a California facility, I will be able to have visits from her. But in a couple of years, when she understands what a prison is, I will not want for her to see me like this. I think I will have my best chance with her after I am released. At that time, her little brother will be just a little older than she is now and I can be a good and loving grandfather to both of them. So, while I will continue to try to communicate with her, I am going to have fewer expectations and, as a result, fewer disappointments.

                About that transfer request, as of last Tuesday, my case manager had still not submitted it. I told her I plan to check with her once a week and she is okay with that.  She did have Congresswoman Barbara Lee’s letter on my behalf on her desk, so at least it is on her mind.

                Now on to “church.”

                The sermon by Bruce Bode was called “Living with Contradictions” and dealt with the possibility of considering more than one truth. He cited as an example the experience of physicist Niels Bohr, who tried to describe the nature of the elementary units of light electrons and protons. Under some lab conditions, these units behaved as though they were particles, while under other conditions, they appeared to be waves. While most physicists would insist that they were either one or the other, Bohr said they were both. This was used to illustrate the point that we do not have to choose just one belief out of many on a given subject, nor should we worry about how they fit with other ideas, even if they seem to be in conflict or to contradict each other.

                I am still resonating with last week’s sermon and I have been continuing my attempt to make room in my heart for self-forgiveness. I feel like it is coming soon.

                At dinner tonight, I was chewing on some corn and felt something hard. It was a tooth from my upper bridgework. I had so hoped that these dentures would make it through with me. One of my cellmates had a similar mishap a couple of months ago and asked the dentist here to glue it back in. (He had the tooth intact, as do I). He was told that they don’t do that here. They will clean teeth and pull them but that’s all. So it appears that I will have to go through the rest of this experience looking like one of those back-bayou rednecks. Oh joy!

Love, Steve

Thank you, Rev. Alexander

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Dear Dee:

                Saturday morning. Gray and hazy. The unit is quieter than usual, thanks to the number of men out on the rec yard this morning. I thought it wise to take advantage of the relative calm and begin my Sunday letter to you a day early.

                Thank you for “outing” me on A Congregation of One. I think you stated my case well when you said the “anonymity made him feel less than genuine.” That says it all.

                As always, it is fascinating to read my own words from the distance that time provides. While the thoughts, feelings, and emotions are all too familiar, the words seem new to me. With total detachment, I can regard some words, phrases and paragraphs and consider how they might have been better rendered; at other times, I can admire the beauty of a well-turned passage.

                The sermon well is once again growing shallow. After I consume tomorrow’s, I will have two left – still plenty of time for you to mine some more of them.

                Okay, per your request, a few words on the subject of depression. It is sadness squared. It is as though a tremendous weight is pressing down on me and the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning is almost beyond consideration. It is as though someone has thrown a thick quilt over you, rendering your world dark and airless. Hopelessness turns to despair and all joy is wrung from you like water from a sponge. It is difficult – almost impossible, really – to see beyond this black point in your life to a time when you might once again regard the world as a welcome place. It’s not difficult to understand how people in this condition can embrace death as a release. It’s not a place to which you ever want to go; not a place to which I ever want to return. Does that do it for you?

                I have consumed 61 books since the one by Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, so the details are a little hazy. It was last March. I recall that he had a strong message but that he had attempted the book without help from anyone else and the prose was clumsy and not very engaging. What made you think of that? I put a grade beside each book in my reading log and I have “Eye of the Hurricane” a C-.

                If you are able and so inclined, could you use the enclosed page to order a crossword book for me? I go through them quite quickly; at the rate of about three puzzles a day. I hate to keep asking you for things but I do want to keep that old “brain tingle” going.

Sunday, October 7, 2012 – “Church”

                Today’s sermon, “May Your Pillow Catch Fire” by Scott Alexander, is one of the most eloquent and deeply passionate that I’ve read yet. Thank you for sending it.

                It affected me on a very personal level because its message spoke directly to me; this at a time when I still wrestle with the guilt, shame, and self-loathing that stems from the crime that led to my incarceration. Alexander’s central theme is beautiful in its simplicity: one must feel good about one’s self before one is able to express much goodness toward others. Despite its stark simplicity, this idea has been eluding me.

                As you know, it is my aim to pay my karmic debt by being of service to others, both here and when I am released. The sermon drives home the importance of forgiving myself and healing from these self-inflicted wounds in preparation for leading a better, more positively focused and productive life. It will require a deeper level of self-awareness than I have employed in my life to date. I honestly believe if I had attained this awareness of self earlier and kept myself plugged into it, I would not have done what I did. I simply would not have been capable of it.

                Alexander said, “When you turn your back or withhold goodness and decency from some fellow human being, you undoubtedly do so from some wounded, broken, or insecure place in your soul.” I have searched for the words to explain how I could have done such a horrible thing. I think I have found them in that simply stated sentence.

                The sermon also stresses the importance of passing the values of compassion and decency on to our children, not just in what we say but in what we do. We need to model it for them. I hope I have done that with my children and that my aberrant behavior has not negated all that went before.

                This sermon was a real barn-burner and it has provided me with a wealth of food for thought.

                As I reached for Dr. Fleck’s book, I stopped myself, deciding that I wanted to let Alexander’s words sit with me and not muddy the waters. So I’ll return to Fleck next week. For now, I’ll let Scott Alexander’s message simmer and take root. (Pardon the mixed metaphor!)

                Time again to close.

Love, Steve