Monday,
Sept. 10, 2012
Dear
Dee,
Your
9/4 letter arrived today and there is so much to answer that I thought I’d get
an early start and then finish it off with the “church” part on Sunday. To
refresh your memory, Robert Bly is a poet who was one of the central figures in
the men’s movement back in the ‘80s when I first got into men’s work. His book,
“Iron John,” along with “Fire in the Belly” by Sam Keen, were the two texts
that were very central to defining the men’s movement. It’s interesting to note
that, although the movement proved to be a passing fad, my men’s group still
meets faithfully once a month in Los Angeles. All but two of the men in that
group have stayed in touch and have been very supportive of me. The other two
have never been able to bring themselves to forgive me for what I did. It’s
interesting, too, that the person I considered to be my closest friend before
this happened falls into the “no forgiveness” camp.
Thank
you for contacting the Probation Office in Oregon. I’m thinking about relocating
there when I get out. In order to get permission to be released there, I have
to have a place to live already upon my release. My friends, C and C could
maybe rent something for me and get it pre-approved. They live nearby, which would
give me a support system. You asked about the possibility of my getting into a
halfway-house. You should know that sex offenders never get six months
in a halfway house—the most I’ve ever heard of is six weeks. The whole purpose
of a halfway house is to be able to find a job, which is not likely for a
73-year-old felon and registered S.O. But with my two pensions and the
restoration of my social security, I should have a sufficient income to be able
to live on, particularly if I’m not in California. I am hopeful that I get a
considerate probation officer and can lead a reasonably normal life.
I
thought I had written you about Toastmasters, but perhaps not. To be honest,
things are so mind-numbingly boring around here that I don’t spend a lot of
energy thinking about things that happen here that might be of interest to you.
My first Toastmaster’s speech went well. It was voted the best of the four
speeches that night.
The
monetary system here is not quite the barter system. There are two forms of
currency: stamps and commissary purchases. So someone might do something for
someone else and request payment—either a book (20 stamps) or the equivalent
amount in food or other commissary items. I pay someone six dollars a month to
clean the room on days when I am responsible for it. Then at the first of every
month, he gives me a list of commissary items to get for him—six dollars worth.
As for me, I do not charge people for helping them—such as the typing I do for
T or composing letters for others or helping them with projects or critiquing
their writing. I get a decent income. My ex sends me $150 a month from my
pension checks and I make $30 at my job. In prison, $180 a month is big money
so I have no need to “get my hustle on.” I get satisfaction and a sense of purpose
from helping others.
You
asked about someone here that I had mentioned, J.W. He is an ex-cop S.O. (one
of several in our unit) who got 12 years. He did take a plea deal—I shudder to
think what kind of sentence he would have drawn if he had gone to trial and
lost. That’s one of the things I think is so warped about the system. We are
constitutionally guaranteed the right to a fair and speedy trial. But if you
actually do go to trial, refusing the plea deal, you are punished for have done
so by getting a much harsher sentence. And then, once you plead guilty, you can
never appeal your conviction. They have you locked up in more ways than the
physical.
I have
been walking the track intermittently with my friend, T. It’s been hit or miss
because of an intense mosquito infestation. At one point last week, I had seven
bites on me at one time. And you may have heard that West Nile virus is heavy in
four states including Louisiana. T. is the only man here who I would call a
friend. I trust him completely. Despite all his “Jesusness,” he doesn’t press
the issue with me.
I was
wondering if you would sign up for Google Voice. It would save me a lot of
money. When I call you, it costs 23 cents per minute or $3.45 for the 15-minute
call. But Google Voice can issue you a number that is local for me. When I call
it, it rings your existing number at home or your cell. This would reduce the
cost of the 15-minute call to 90 cents. (Note: Fifteen minutes is the limit of
time that an inmate can be on a call. At that point they are automatically cut
off. At two points during the call, a voice comes on the line saying “This call
is from an inmate at a federal prison.”)
My 3-year-old
granddaughter won’t talk to me on the phone anymore. I have a theory. I think
she is spoiled by Skype. One of the times I did talk to her, she handed the
phone back to her mom saying “I can’t see him.” For her, I think it’s all or
nothing.
Sunday,
Sept. 16
Church
today was an emotional experience. It immersed me in thoughts of my father.
Both the chalice lighting and the sermon summoned memories of different aspects
of his personality and of our troubled relationship. This comes at a meaningful
time as I have been considering writing the story of my father and mother, of
their coming together and their coming apart, as well as the scars and wounds
that endured long after. Much of the story takes place before I was born or
when I was very young. I’ve been told enough of it to string together the basic
facts, filling in the details and ancillary characters with my imagination. I
think perhaps the congruence of this chalice lighting and sermon may be a
signal that I should begin.
The
chalice lighting from C.L. recalls her younger life with a father who was a
rage-a-holic. The only attention he paid her was when he vented his anger at
her. That was my dad.
The
sermon by Carol Emmerling of All Souls Unitarian in New York summons the image
of an emotionally distant father who worked all day, came home to an evening
meal that contained no meaningful conversation and then “after dinner, Dad
would settle down in front of the TV and that was it for the evening”. Her
overriding point was that, while we cannot change the past, we can change how
we view it. And in so doing, we can come to a greater understanding of those
troubled people who inhabit it. I think this may be the best reason of all for
me to write that story.
OK, it
is time to button this up and get it on its way to you.
Love,
Steve