Jailhouse Rumors

September 4, 2011

Dear Dee.

I’m enclosing a copy of “The Sun” magazine, in which they published a short piece I wrote on their topic of “Rumors.”  It’s not quite the way I wrote it, that is, it’s heavily edited, but here’s what they published:

At the age of sixty-five I was convicted of a felony and went from being a devoted husband, father, and grandfather to being a prison inmate. My first stop on the way to the federal penitentiary was a county lockup, where I shared a cell with a career criminal.

“How long you down for?” he asked.

“Seven and a half years.”

“You’ll do four and a half,” he said with an air of certainty.

“But my lawyer told me you have to serve at least 85 percent of any federal sentence.”

“Not anymore. Congress just passed the 65 percent law. Obama has already said he will sign it.”

My heart soared. Only four and a half years away from my family! I couldn’t wait to get to a telephone and call my lawyer.

When I finally did, I was brought up short. Talk of the 65 percent law had been around since he was in law school, he said. It was an old jailhouse rumor.

I have since heard many such tales of drastically reduced sentences. For a time I wondered how anyone could be cruel enough to float such a rumor. Now I have a theory, summed up in a single word: hope.

Is it truly an act of cruelty to create, for a brief moment, the illusion of hope where none exists?

For today’s sermon, I read Meg Riley’s column from “Quest” magazine, still on the subject of forgiveness. I related to it in the context of how I felt about the former cellmate who got me fired from the serving line. I haven’t spoken a word to him since. I realized that this is not because I hate him. Hate is a very unproductive and I try my best not to carry it in my heart. But I choose not to speak to him because I simply don’t want him in my world anymore.

Did I tell you that I’m taking a CLF correspondence course on spirituality? I did the first lesson last week. It consisted of going through a list of about a hundred phrases that they called “wow words.” We were told to circle at least three of them that evoked any feelings from us as we read them. I circled four: heart and mind, power of love, hope undaunted, and deep yearning. We were then to write about each of them, so I wrote this poem:

O power of love, please

Ease the deep yearning

Within my aching soul.

Give rise to hope undaunted

And nourish the spirit

Of heart and mind

That I might ere seek

The good and true.

I titled it “Daily Prayer” and taped it on the bottom of the bunk above me right next to the picture of K’s family.

I started keeping a book log, keeping track of the books I read. From 8/5 through today, 9/4, I’ve read 17 of them, which averages out to one every other day. It takes up most of my days and keeps my mind beyond the chain link and razor-wire fences. The only other time I get beyond this place is in my dreams. Whenever I awaken, it’s always with an “oh” as I realize that I’m still here. And I’ve noticed that, in the past year or so, I always have an awareness that I’m supposed to be here but have been allowed out for a limited period of time.

I remember for years after I got out of the navy, I had dreams that I had been called back in. I wonder if that will be the case again when I leave here. Of course, this time it’s a very real possibility as I understand it is very easy to violate the terms of probation, often without realizing it. There is one guy in here who served his sentence, got out and got a job. You have to have a job (unless you’re retired) or you’re in violation. Well, he lost his job and couldn’t find another so her started mowing lawns and doing handyman work. They violated him for failing to get a business license and sent him back to prison for eleven months.

I’m going to have to walk a very thin line when I get out because of the huge list of restrictions that have been placed on me, not to mention the registration requirements. I’ll be wearing a GPS ankle bracelet, so I will have to be super careful where I’m driving and always be aware of what is nearby. If I go to a Denny’s for lunch, I’ll have to be extra careful that there isn’t a school on the next block or I could go  back to prison. Someone here said I could even go back in for a speeding ticket. I don’t know if that’s true or not.

Time to wrap this up and get it in the box. Thanks, as always, for being there for me.
Love, Kent

Forgiving One’s Self

August 28, 2011

Dear Dee.

Today’s “church” came late in the day. The noise level has been so high it was difficult for me to read or concentrate. I can no longer go to the chapel because they’re holding some kind of meetings in there. So I had to wait for a quieter time, which didn’t come until 2:30.

In lieu of a sermon, I read two articles from CLF’s Quest. Their theme this month is forgiveness and both articles talked about how forgiveness of one’s self is often more difficult than forgiving others. I feel guilt on so many levels. First, that my daughter, K, had to be hit with this right in the middle of her pregnancy. And then there was the terrible effect that it had on the other kids who looked up to me, S and C. There has been a lot of mental self-kicking since then and I don’t feel I have made a lot of progress toward forgiving myself. But one of the positives in all this is that I have been calling K every week since it happened and that has strengthened our relationship. I believe I will continue this practice for the rest of my life.

In “Finding God,” I found another kindred spirit in Mordecai Kaplan who rejects God as a supernatural being, viewing it instead as a process. He sees prayer as an ability to express one’s own wishes. Sounds good to me.

All for now,

Love, Kent