Shock, disbelief and sadness washed over me when I learned that a good friend of mine had been arrested for possession of child pornography. Like you, I felt some degree of disgust and wondered how someone I knew as a warm, generous, and productive person could have gotten sucked into such a world. My first letter from him (while still under house arrest):
April 21, pre-lockup
Dear Dee,By now you’ve heard the horrible news and had some time to sit with it. I just got off the phone with my daughter, who is pregnant as you know, and found out she’s having a girl. It was a ray of sunshine into a life that is suddenly very dark. I am so pleased for them. It’s the closest I’ve been able to get to happiness in the last six days.
How do I explain the unexplainable? I have always had an attraction to porn. Over the years, that “attraction” began to manifest itself as a full-blown addiction. About 10 years ago, I got into a 12-step Sex Addicts Anonymous group. As a result of that, I got a pretty good hold on the problem. But as with any addiction that you don’t stay on top of, it began to creep back into my life. Add to that the easy availability of that stuff on the internet, coupled with a retired guy with way too much time on his hands, and you have a recipe for disaster.
What happened is that I got involved in chat rooms in which I would assume an alternate identity…a horrible, predatory, vile individual who seemed to appeal to those I was chatting with. While this fictitious character was the polar opposite of who I am, I got a perverse kick out of playing him. In fact, that kick took precedence over any porn involved. What brought me down was when I ended up playing this role in a chat with an undercover police officer.
I wanted to write first and lay the groundwork before I talk to you. I hope you will call when you feel ready.
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