The right side of the dirt

February 23, year 2

Thanks for your latest letter. I'll read the sermon Sunday. That's my equivalent for going to church...spending a few moments digesting a sermon.

Thanks also for finding and sending the "surviving in prison" tips. I haven't exactly followed everything listed. I have talked politics and religion, but I tend to do so with people I trust. Those are, almost without exception, people with charges similar to mine; people who got into something they shouldn't have and got caught up in it. The majority of men in here are career criminals, and I deduced early on that they all tend to suffer from arrested emotional development. Those I tend to associate with are a former high school teacher, a railroad engineer, an accountant, a diesel mechanic, and a housing contractor. I have nothing to fear from them.

You needn't worry about me. I still believe in the power of positive thought, as one of the sermons talked about. It has gotten me through nearly a year and a half of the worst time in my life. I am not abandoning it now.  I have started writing on a mystery novel with some humor thrown in. When depression threatens, it seems that engaging my sense of humor is a tonic for it.
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February 27

It is Sunday and I just read the sermon you sent by Rev. Forrest Church. However, I think I came away with a different message than he intended. The whole time I was reading it, I was aware that I was taking in the words, thoughts, and beliefs of someone who is no longer living. Born five years after me, he is gone and I am still here.

From time to time, in the course of this horrible journey I'm on, the thought has flitted through my mind that death would be preferable to the life I am now living. That thought never stays with me long enough to take root, but it does visit from time to time. Ultimately, I come to the conclusion that life, in any form, is better than the alternative. What gets my head into that negative space is the reality that this awful existence will continue for another five years and five months, with no certainty that the quality of life that awaits me after my release is going to be good. I like to envision myself living back in California, but in reality, I doubt that my fixed income will allow me to live anywhere in that state. There is also the reality I face of having to live as a registered sex offender, feared, loathed, and treated like a predator around whom no child will be safe. My movements will be tracked, my activities monitored and limited. No computer, no internet, no camera, no movies. I will never get to experience taking my granddaughter to Disneyland. All of that can really coalesce to take the wind out of my sails.

But then, I take a wider view--that the future is not set in stone and to a large degree, it is what we make of it. The small pleasures and satisfactions that I get in here are derived from moments in which I am able to help others. I had hoped to work in the education department, in which it would be my job to help others. Sadly, they do not hire people with my charge in that department.

But I can envision myself affiliating with a UU church wherever I end up living and using their community outreach efforts to be of service to others. It would be a nice way to live out my remaining years. So, in the end, I am happy that I'm still on the right side of the dirt and that maybe there is a reason why my life took the turn that it did.

Don't worry, I'm not falling apart and remain in reasonably good spirits, all things considered.

Love, Kent