June 26, 2011
Dear Dee,
Thank you for making
me part of your flower communion service by sending the hymn lyrics and the
picture of your irises. They were beautiful. I taped it to my locker door so I
see it every day. I wish there was more beauty around here, but I’m getting
expert at staring at the clouds. I’m sure people wonder what I’m looking up at.
I also watch birds in flight—free birds—and think of Maya Angelou’s poem.
I want you to know as
you search for sermon material that you need not limit yourself to topics that
relate to my present situation. While those have been good for me and helpful,
the whole point of UU is becoming a better person. So any topic that promotes
that is fine with me.
Today’s chalice
lighting was by AB celebrating her joy at singing. I was always lamenting my
lack of singing ability but my dirty little secret is that when I’m alone, I
sing. Somehow, I’ve trained my brain to make it seem in my head as though it
sounds great. I’ve just had to learn never to record it and play it back.
July 3, 2011
Today’s chalice
lighting was by PE when she was about to become a senior in high school. She
talks about clichés and how they made her hate middle school--how they promoted
hate, discrimination and the marginalization of individuals. This topic was
relevant because a similar social structure exists here. There are tables in
the dining hall that are reserved for certain ethnic groups or gangs. I have commented
before how much this situation is akin to middle school. I am marginalized by
my age (which will be 68 in a couple of weeks—how did that happen??). I have no
real friends here. There a some who will talk to me or share a table, but there
is no one with whom I have bonded.
I have finished the
Jefferson Bible, having read twenty pages each Sunday. Next week, I will finish
The Field, which I find fascinating.
I’ve always thought that subjects like mutual telepathy or healing by thought or
touch were bunk. But in this book, you’ll see how it has all been subjected to
legitimate scientific study and it appears that these phenomena are a part of “the
field;” a strong indication that we are all linked as I have always believed.
The book shows how the cells in our bodies communicate with each other—and not
only with each other, but with the cells in the bodies of others. Prayer—particularly
when it is a large joint effort—can have a physical effect. It is believed to
be the result of focused thought. I now see the energy field I always believed
in as existing in inanimate objects as well as living things. Why? Because they
are all composed of atoms, which are never at rest, but always in motion.
July 10
Sunday. Stovetop hot
out there.—too sultry to walk the track.I’m fresh out of your sermons so I turned to Quest, the Church of the Larger Fellowship (CLF) newsletter, and read a piece by Rev. Steve Edington about the value of thankful prayer, even if you don’t know who it is you’re thanking. Works for me. In my nightly prayer, I begin by giving thanks for another day of life and asking for the strength to get through the next one. As you might have guessed, in my mind, I’m praying to the collective consciousness of The Field.
Have you begun the
weekly process of checking the census count at Terminal Island? I want to see
if it goes up or down so I can determine whether to apply for my transfer in
November or wait. I do admit to getting excited about the approach of the day I’m
eligible to apply (which is after I’ve been here 18 months).I try to keep in
touch with someone I met at a county lockup whose charge is similar to mine and
who has been sent to Terminal Island. I write to him through his sister as
inmates a not allowed to correspond with each other. From your research and what
I’ve heard from him, TI is not nearly as gang-oriented as here nor as biased
against sex offenders, and they offer more opportunities. But don’t worry, I am
taking the approach of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
July 12
I read an article in
the NY Times for May of last year about the federal judge who was protesting
the mandatory minimums What he was doing, in violation of procedure, was
informing the juries before deliberation what the result of a guilty verdict
would be. In a number of cases, this swayed them to bring in “not guilty” verdicts.
However, the federal government does its best to avoid trials by forcing defendants
to accept a plea agreement. They inform the defendant that if a jury finds them
guilty, their sentence would be double that of what it would have been if they
had pled out. I keep hoping against hope that the U.S. Sentencing Commission
will take some action that could shorten my sentence. But again, hoping for the
best, preparing for the worst.
July 17
This morning’s
chalice lighting was by FT who calls on us to “be more and do more.” I look
forward to being on the outside and fulfilling that to my maximum potential.
The sermon was by
Nate Walker of Philadelphia on the virtues of CLF. I couldn’t agree more. I
love that UU extends itself beyond the walls of its churches to reach those who
can’t come inside. When I was being processed into the system, I was asked my
religion. I told them, but Unitarian Universalism didn’t show up on the list of
boxes to check. The guy interviewing me said, “I ain’t never heard of that ‘un.”
I wanted to say, “That’s okay. It’s only been around for 500 years.”
I still do food
service—off on Sunday and Monday. Here’s how my day lays out: I’m up at 5:15
and at work by 6. I’m back in the housing unit by 7:15 and I usually go back to
sleep. I go back to work at 10, eat an early lunch, then serve till about
12:15. Then back to the unit for my afternoon nap, which goes until about 2.
Read some, have mail call and go to dinner between 4:30 and 5. Then may be a
little TV (around three nights a week), read some more or write letters, then
in bed by 9. I usually can’t fall asleep until the noise level abates,
somewhere around 11. I never sleep through the night, though. These beds are so
bloody uncomfortable (1 ½ inch mattress on a metal slab) that I wake up every
time I turn over, which is frequently. So that’s why I’m so tired during the
day. Sometimes I vary the routine and go to the library, especially if I’m
writing. Also, I might go to the rec yard and walk the track, but only if it’s
not too darned hot.
It’s a good night if
I can sleep uninterrupted long enough to dream. Dreams are my “get out of jail
free” card; a chance to go to other places and be with other people. I very
seldom dream of being in prison, but when I do, it’s never this one.
July 24
This morning’s “service”
was based on the Fourth of July service at your church focusing on freedom. The
reading by Thich Nhat Hanh on freedom had a considerable impact on me, starting
with its title, “Be Free Where You Are.” My first thought was, “Okay, this
really does not apply to me.” But then I noticed it was from a talk given in
prison, so I read on with great interest. It had never really occurred to me that
I could create my own freedoms in here. I have held that freedom was something
I would have to wait five more years to experience. One of the tenets he espouses
is freedom from despair, which has been a big problem for me. This is one that
I will hang onto and refer back to from time to time.
Part of my effort in
here has been to hang onto my individuality, something that is very difficult
to achieve in an environment that is designed to take it away from you. I
remember a similar struggle when I was in the Navy. For example, twice a day—three
times a day on weekends—we have something called “stand up count.” We are
required to stand quietly in front of our cells as the guards come through
counting heads. Intellectually, I understand the practical need for this
process in a prison. But when you have to do it every single day, the aggregate
effect is that you begin to feel like a piece of meat that is being inventoried.
So I have come up with a small adjustment that makes this process more
tolerable. As soon as they call count, I grab a book and start reading. I
stand, as required, but I give the book my full concentration. The net result
is that I’m doing something for myself; something that I enjoy. If they want to
count me while I’m doing it, that’s their business. You can’t imagine how much that
shifts the balance of power back to me. It’s something very small that no one
notices and it breaks no rules, but it makes me feel more like a human being.
And I now realize in the writing of Mr. Thich that it also makes me free. I
need to look for more ways to do this.
Please convey to John
that I was very moved by his story that he related in the July 4th service.
Sometimes we forget how recent it was that racism was so naked and overt. It’s
still with us today, only underground and much more subtle. And in this
environment, it is again in the forefront as I see the races—black, brown, and
yellow—voluntarily segregating themselves, as in the dining hall.
Thank you for the NPR
interview with Wilbert Rideau, the guy who created the first uncensored
prison magazine in the country. There is
great value in being reminded that, as awful as this experience is, it is worse
elsewhere. And this guy did 44 years—11 of them in solitary. I did eight days
in solitary when I was in county and thought I was going to go crazy. It’s good
to step back and get some perspective once in a while.
You asked what my
cell looks like. It’s a 15-foot by 12-foot cubicle with three sets of double
deck bunk beds in it. There’s about four feet between the beds. There are two
lockers at the end of each bed where we keep all of our things. The spaces were
designed for four men, but they jammed in that center set of bunks because of
overcrowding. The front is open with no door and open windows with no glass.
July 31
My food service job
has been taken away. One of my cellmates told the kitchen staff that I was slow
and not doing a good job. This is someone who I did favors for in the past and
I have no idea why he did that or why they listened to him. My job now is
folding flatware into napkins. The days have grown longer because my workday is
now over by 7:30 AM, and I spend the rest of my day with my nose in a book. I’m
sleeping a little better at night because I changed rooms to get away from the
guy who betrayed me and no longer have the cellmate who gets up every hour to
go to the bathroom. So I’m less tired during the day and don’t nap as much.
Sounds like a god thing, but then it does also contribute to making the day
even longer.
I’m out of sermons
again, but I still have a couple of months worth of CLF newsletters to get me
through. Also, I now have a CLF penpal. He’s a retired stockbroker and sends me
stock tips, even though I am, of course, in no position to take advantage of
them. He has promised to send sermons as well, so the pressure is eased on you
a bit.
Looking forward to
you next letter,
Love, Kent
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