What was I thinking?

February 18, 2012

Dear Dee,

You asked me in your last letter about my state of mind when I committed the deed that got me in here. So now, I draw a deep breath as I revisit that dark and deeply regrettable period of my life. I realize that you have gone for a long time without asking many questions about what I was doing and thinking while I was engaged in that crap. You deserve some straight answers. First, I never paid a penny to anyone for those images. I would initially stumble on some or have some sent to me by people who I met in chat rooms. Why? Because one of the several guises I would assume was that of a pedophile. The game of “dark fantasy” that I was playing consisted of creating characters that were engaged in activities that are taboo in society.

So why did I feel compelled to do it? That was the question I couldn’t answer at the time I was arrested. So I carried it into therapy with me when I had some sessions while under house arrest. After a lot of talking and a lot of digging into my past, I began to get a picture of what sent me down that strange road. The whole time I lived with my dad between ages 11 and 18, he repeated over and over that I was “useless, worthless, and no damned good.” On a conscious level, this set me on a path to prove him wrong. But, children often take to heart what a parent says to them. A seed was planted deep within me and it was as though I was paying perverse tribute to my father when I would go online pretending to be useless, worthless, and no damned good.” It was all a stupid game and I was so steeped in the fantasy of it all that I failed to notice when fantasy ended and real-world activity began—specifically the trading of those horrible pictures.

At the time, the children in those images weren’t real to me. They were just pixels on a screen. It was only after my therapist urged me to meditate on those children and what their lives must have been like that I was hit with the full force of what I had done. I then realized that I had been guilty of prolonging and perpetuating the abuse and exploitation of those poor kids by introducing those pictures to new eyes. I’ll carry the guilt of that for the rest of my life. I have always loved children and advocated for their protection and nurturing. What I did was a complete violation of my own moral code. And I was further struck by the fact that my little “game” could very well have ended up encouraging others to harm children. That will always gnaw at me.

It was not the content of the pictures that gave me the cheap thrill. It was the hunt for them. When I look back on it all, it seems like it was someone else doing all that. There is nothing in the world that would compel me to ever repeat that behavior. The day of my arrest was an instantly sobering experience and it felt as though I had received shock therapy. People will always have questions about me—if he sought out those pictures, doesn’t that mean he would molest children? They will regard me in a completely different light.

It became an addiction, this game that I played—one that rose up and swallowed me whole. One day I was just an old man with too much time on his hands and perhaps grieving the loss of employment in a once well-respected career; the next, I was a convicted felon and registered sex offender. You said you had been afraid for a long time to broach this subject with me. Well, don’t fear any longer. I no longer harbor any secrets. A very bright light has been shined into what was a dark corner of my soul and my life is an open book.

I’d best bring this to a close before my hand becomes a withered vestigial claw.

Love, Steve