Sunday, August 19, 2012
Dear Dee,
I hope you are enjoying your time in the east and the
celebration of a 100th birthday. It was once a goal of mine to live
to the age of 100. Now I have attached a qualifier—I would like to survive to
that age if the quality of my life warrants it. I don’t want to be hanging
around just for the achievement of a goal. I don’t want to be a burden to
others, of course. But I also don’t want to spend all of those years as a fugitive,
which may become my lot; nor do I want to spend the time homeless and adrift,
which is another distinct possibility.
I’ve been thinking a lot this past week about how
very tired I am of living this way. Since I am not yet halfway down the road,
it’s much too early to be feeling this way, I know. Others around me still hold
out hope that pending legislation or other factors will result in the
shortening of their sentences. I clung to those hopes for the first couple of
years into this. But I have developed what I believe is a more realistic outlook.
Anything that depends on change through the political process is doomed to failure.
No politician wants to risk being tarred
with the “soft on crime” brush. And no politician wants to be the bearer of the
standard that advocates mercy or understanding for sex offenders. So I have
accepted that the front gate will not open for me until July 19, 2016. I do
know that a change of location to a place that is run more like a low security
would be a very welcome one, particularly if it was to someplace where I could
see my family.
This letter has a distinctly negative tone and I
apologize for that. It’s not depression talking. I am still keeping that devil
at bay. But there is a certain enervating quality that sets in as one views the
world moving on from a vantage point that never changes. It’s frustrating, for
example, to watch the innovations in technology without being able to
experience them first-hand. Or to follow my brother’s declining state without
being able to help and support him.
Church:
The chalice lighting was by JR, who spoke of stepping outside of his comfort
zone in order to perform in public and the joy that it has brought to him.
Amy Levy-Lyon’s sermon, “Falling Apples,” focused
on the need for a child to ask “why?” and how we move away from that as we grow
older. She lauded those of the Jewish and UU faiths for questioning the world,
scripture and just about everything else. I thought about the fact that I was
reading her words in a place where questioning is not only not encouraged but
not permitted. Of course, I can still do so privately and regularly,
particularly during these Sunday “services.” That is where I can still claim
some small measure of freedom and it feels exhilarating when I do so.
Rev. Fleck writes of “angels,” stripping them of
their wings, halos and supernatural properties and giving them a real world
perspective; examining the behavior of people who give of themselves for the
good of others. How often have we been the recipient of such good words and
said or thought, “You’re an angel.” It makes the title of “angel” a worthy and
realistic goal.
Another week down with 205 to go. Next month, on
the 21st, I will have served 1,000 days. And so it goes.
Love, Steve
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