Dear Dee,
The TV Guide crossword book finally arrived! There
is a section called “Classic Puzzles” in which they reprint puzzles dating from
1954 through 1994. I amaze myself at what facts I still carry around in my head
regarding television as far back as 1954 when I was eleven.
So far, I don’t feel much different being 69, though
the number does tend to evoke snickers when I mention it, the result of a kind
of Beavis & Butthead mentality that tends to prevail here.
Church:
Amy Levy-Lyons piece, “The Opium of the People” struck a chord with me. I’ve
been sensing for a while now that I am not making the best use of my time here.
When I was under house arrest, with the entirety of my prison experience
stretching before me, I had plans to be of service here, perhaps working in the
educational department, teaching creative writing or screenwriting or perhaps
tutoring inmates going for their GED. But the woman who runs that department
has an open hatred of sex offenders and will not allow any to work there. I
also fantasized about perhaps trying to weasel a video camera and a computer
out of them and starting a film workshop where the inmates could be taught how
to write, shoot, edit and score their own movies. But that would fall under the
recreation dept. and the guy who runs that also maintains a “No SOs” policy. In
fact, the only places we can work here are in the dining hall, where I do, and
picking up trash on the compound. All the other jobs are reserved for those
with nobler charges such as drug dealing and gun running.
I still maintain a desire to help others and do so
whenever the opportunity presents itself. I critique writing projects that some
inmates have launched for themselves, and I am doing typing for a friend’s
project of writing 366 daily religious devotionals. But overall, I would have to say I am guilty
of what Rev. Levy-Lyons calls killing time. I don’t even spend nearly enough
time on my own writing. I guess the message for me here is that I need to be
more proactive in finding better uses for my time. I’ve been guilty of
regarding this prison sentence as an interruption of my life rather than a part
of it.
Fleck’s chapter, “Be Not Angry with Yourself” also
resonated with me. I have been—and remain—profoundly angry at myself over what
I did to destroy my life. I know it stands in the way of my being able to
forgive myself. Fleck writes: “Being angry with oneself is a barren
preoccupation. It wages a losing battle with the past, for what is done is
done. One has to live with it, even if it is embarrassing, hurtful, imperfect. “Wow!”
Words expressly for me from a man I’ve never met who is many years dead. I
wrote last week of the piece I intend to write to the children in the pictures.
I still haven’t put pen to paper because one of the stumbling blocks has been—how
do I dare ask for the forgiveness of others when I still have not been able to
forgive myself? I’ve pretty much decided to include that conundrum as a part of
the piece. Another reason I am slow to write it is that I want it to be the
best thing I’ve ever written. So I don’t want to rush it. But I do hope Dr.
Fleck’s words help propel me in the direction of self-forgiveness.
So that’s it for another week. May I continue, with
your help and support, to grow in tiny but measurable ways.
Love, Steve
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