(Note to reader: Any book on prison psychology will talk about the
extreme difficulty of maintaining family ties while in prison. Yet, it is the
single most important factor contributing to the mental well-being of the
inmate while they are in as well as their success in reentering society when
they get out. This letter illustrates Steve's frustration in trying to
maintain his family relationships.)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Dear Dee:
As
I write these words, you are still peeping at the leaves. But you should be at
home to receive this when it arrives. I hope your vacation was a renewing
experience; perhaps even spiritual, as resplendent nature often can be.
I
have had some difficult phone conversations of late with our daughter. I know she has a lot on her plate right now,
which accounts for some of the stress.
But this experience – and yesterday’s call – have set me to thinking and
I have decided that I need to change some of the ways in which I have been
relating to her.
Since
the day of my arrest, she has never articulated how she feels about me having
done what I did or being where I am. She had been a good and loyal soldier in
expressing her love and support for me. But she has never verbalized – unless
perhaps to a therapist – how all of this has affected her. My sense is that she
is strung as tightly as a violin string right now. Her baby is due in a month, and
a whole new avalanche of stress will be descending upon her – the total
dependence of a new life and, of course, the additional pressure that will
ensue as the 3-year-old begins to realize that she is no longer the sole focus
of her parents’ lives. But I think one of the major stress points in her life
right now – and for some time in recent years – has been me.
My
weekly phone calls to her began at her request so that she would know with some
comfortable regularity that I was okay. Along the way, they became – for me – a
means of connecting with the outside world and feeling supported. I think it
also contributed to a certain level of neediness on my part. But these weekly
calls always begin with that unctuous recording, informing the recipient of the
call that she is receiving a call from an inmate in a federal prison. Then the
call is further interrupted twice more to remind her of that fact, just in case
she has succeeded in putting it out of her mind. I believe that these calls are
creating and sustaining a higher level of stress for her. I think she would
appreciate hearing from me a lot more if the calls were less of a ritual, less
frequent and more irregular in pattern. I can honest say that I have acquired
sufficient coping skills in here to ensure my continued safety for the rest of
the time that I am in here. She doesn’t have to concern herself with that. This isn’t me being churlish or running off
to pout. This is a dad who loves his “little girl” more than anything else in
the world and I’ll do anything to make certain that she doesn’t become
overwhelmed by stress.
Then
there is the matter of our granddaughter herself. I was determined to force the
issue and make myself a factor and a presence in her young life. With your
help, I’ve tried to do that, but I have to face the fact that it isn’t working.
We all had a good laugh over the fact that she handed the phone back to her
mother and said, “I can’t see him.” But the reality is, at the age of three, if
you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. From where I am, there is no way for
me to be able to be the same kind of presence to her as people she sees all the
time. That doesn’t mean I will shut her out or stop trying. But I will have a
much better chance of gaining some purchase in her life when she gets a little
older. If I can get that transfer to a California facility, I will be able to
have visits from her. But in a couple of years, when she understands what a
prison is, I will not want for her to see me like this. I think I will have my
best chance with her after I am released. At that time, her little brother will
be just a little older than she is now and I can be a good and loving
grandfather to both of them. So, while I will continue to try to communicate
with her, I am going to have fewer expectations and, as a result, fewer
disappointments.
About
that transfer request, as of last Tuesday, my case manager had still not
submitted it. I told her I plan to check with her once a week and she is okay
with that. She did have Congresswoman
Barbara Lee’s letter on my behalf on her desk, so at least it is on her mind.
Now
on to “church.”
The
sermon by Bruce Bode was called “Living with Contradictions” and dealt with the
possibility of considering more than one truth. He cited as an example the
experience of physicist Niels Bohr, who tried to describe the nature of the
elementary units of light electrons and protons. Under some lab conditions,
these units behaved as though they were particles, while under other
conditions, they appeared to be waves. While most physicists would insist that
they were either one or the other, Bohr said they were both. This was used to
illustrate the point that we do not have to choose just one belief out of many
on a given subject, nor should we worry about how they fit with other ideas,
even if they seem to be in conflict or to contradict each other.
I
am still resonating with last week’s sermon and I have been continuing my
attempt to make room in my heart for self-forgiveness. I feel like it is coming
soon.
At
dinner tonight, I was chewing on some corn and felt something hard. It was a
tooth from my upper bridgework. I had so hoped that these dentures would
make it through with me. One of my cellmates had a similar mishap a couple of
months ago and asked the dentist here to glue it back in. (He had the tooth
intact, as do I). He was told that they don’t do that here. They will clean
teeth and pull them but that’s all. So it appears that I will have to go
through the rest of this experience looking like one of those back-bayou
rednecks. Oh joy!
Love, Steve
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