Saturday, October 6, 2012
Dear Dee:
Saturday
morning. Gray and hazy. The unit is quieter than usual, thanks to the number of
men out on the rec yard this morning. I thought it wise to take advantage of
the relative calm and begin my Sunday letter to you a day early.
Thank
you for “outing” me on A Congregation of One. I think you stated my case well
when you said the “anonymity made him feel less than genuine.” That says it
all.
As
always, it is fascinating to read my own words from the distance that time
provides. While the thoughts, feelings, and emotions are all too familiar, the
words seem new to me. With total detachment, I can regard some words, phrases
and paragraphs and consider how they might have been better rendered; at other
times, I can admire the beauty of a well-turned passage.
The
sermon well is once again growing shallow. After I consume tomorrow’s, I will
have two left – still plenty of time for you to mine some more of them.
Okay,
per your request, a few words on the subject of depression. It is sadness
squared. It is as though a tremendous weight is pressing down on me and the
simple act of getting out of bed in the morning is almost beyond consideration.
It is as though someone has thrown a thick quilt over you, rendering your world
dark and airless. Hopelessness turns to despair and all joy is wrung from you
like water from a sponge. It is difficult – almost impossible, really – to see
beyond this black point in your life to a time when you might once again regard
the world as a welcome place. It’s not difficult to understand how people in
this condition can embrace death as a release. It’s not a place to which you
ever want to go; not a place to which I ever want to return. Does that do it
for you?
I
have consumed 61 books since the one by Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, so the
details are a little hazy. It was last March. I recall that he had a strong
message but that he had attempted the book without help from anyone else and
the prose was clumsy and not very engaging. What made you think of that? I put
a grade beside each book in my reading log and I have “Eye of the Hurricane” a
C-.
If
you are able and so inclined, could you use the enclosed page to order a
crossword book for me? I go through them quite quickly; at the rate of about
three puzzles a day. I hate to keep asking you for things but I do want to keep
that old “brain tingle” going.
Sunday, October 7, 2012 –
“Church”
Today’s
sermon, “May Your Pillow Catch Fire” by Scott Alexander, is one of the most
eloquent and deeply passionate that I’ve read yet. Thank you for sending it.
It
affected me on a very personal level because its message spoke directly to me;
this at a time when I still wrestle with the guilt, shame, and self-loathing
that stems from the crime that led to my incarceration. Alexander’s central
theme is beautiful in its simplicity: one must feel good about one’s self
before one is able to express much goodness toward others. Despite its stark
simplicity, this idea has been eluding me.
As
you know, it is my aim to pay my karmic debt by being of service to others,
both here and when I am released. The sermon drives home the importance of
forgiving myself and healing from these self-inflicted wounds in preparation
for leading a better, more positively focused and productive life. It will
require a deeper level of self-awareness than I have employed in my life to
date. I honestly believe if I had attained this awareness of self earlier and
kept myself plugged into it, I would not have done what I did. I simply would
not have been capable of it.
Alexander
said, “When you turn your back or withhold goodness and decency from some
fellow human being, you undoubtedly do so from some wounded, broken, or
insecure place in your soul.” I have searched for the words to explain how I
could have done such a horrible thing. I think I have found them in that simply
stated sentence.
The
sermon also stresses the importance of passing the values of compassion and
decency on to our children, not just in what we say but in what we do. We need
to model it for them. I hope I have done that with my children and that my
aberrant behavior has not negated all that went before.
This
sermon was a real barn-burner and it has provided me with a wealth of food for
thought.
As
I reached for Dr. Fleck’s book, I stopped myself, deciding that I wanted to let
Alexander’s words sit with me and not muddy the waters. So I’ll return to Fleck
next week. For now, I’ll let Scott Alexander’s message simmer and take root.
(Pardon the mixed metaphor!)
Time
again to close.
Love, Steve
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