Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dear Dee:
I’m
jumping ahead a bit to the “church” portion of this letter to talk about the
subject of forgiveness. I get the distinct impression that all the forces of
The Field are reaching out to tell me that it’s time to forgive myself. First,
there was the Scott Alexander sermon, which is still resonating. Then today, I
read a piece from “Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul.” It was very
evangelical and not of much interest to me. But when I finished, I turned the
page to insert a bookmark and saw that the next chapter was titled “On
Forgiveness.” The page contained the following quote: “Forgiveness is not the
misguided act of condoning irresponsible hurtful behavior. Nor is it the
superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and
martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to
experience the present, free of contamination from the past.”
It seemed to
carry the same message as Rev. Alexander’s sermon: If I am to get on with my
life, self-forgiveness is essential. I don’t think I told you that after I
wrote my apology piece for The Oakdale Chronicles, Tony handed me a biblical
quote, I think from Ephesians. It said, in essence, that if I refused to
forgive myself after God had already done so, then I was insulting God. It
didn’t really connect with me right away. In fact, it made me a little angry, though
I appreciated Tony’s good intentions. I didn’t really care if I was pissing off
a god I didn’t believe in. I knew I couldn’t just declare myself forgiven if I
didn’t feel it in my heart. But the collective effect of these last two
messages is that I have begun to feel it. I have been praying (to the better
part of myself, as always) to find room in my heart for this forgiveness. I
think within the next few days, I’m going to try to find someplace quiet – perhaps
the chapel or the rec yard – and hold a little ceremony for myself. I will
meditate (something I’ve rarely been able to do since coming in here) and grant
myself the forgiveness that I need. It’s time to move on.
Speaking
of moving on, my case manager had still not acted on re-submitting my transfer
request as of last Tuesday. She had promised to do so within two weeks and this
coming Tuesday will be one month. But I will continue inquiring about it every
week until she acts. She did promise last week to include Barbara Lee’s letter
with the application, though she said she couldn’t guarantee that someone else
wouldn’t pull it out en route. We shall see.
This
past week saw the most savage and brutal confrontation between two men that
I’ve witnessed or heard of since I’ve been here. They got into a fist fight
over, of all things, whose turn it was to use a microwave oven. It only lasted
a few seconds and seemed to be over and done with. But at 4 AM the next morning,
one of them, still feeling wronged, got up, heated up a cup of water to the
boiling point and added honey to it, creating a kind of homemade napalm. He
then went to where the other man was sleeping and threw it in his face. When
the guy leapt out of bed, the other one beat him in the head with a combination
lock tied to the end of a belt. I didn’t see that part of it but I was awakened
by the sound of it. They both went to the hole later that day. I have no doubt
that the attacker will be shipped to a medium security facility. Someone that
brutal has no place in a low.
Today’s
sermon was my last, so I hope more are on the way. If nothing comes before next
Sunday, I have an old issue of The Quest tucked into my sermon envelope for
just such an emergency.
The
chalice lighting from PM was on immigration and people following their dreams.
The
sermon by Rev. Chris Bell was on “Fear and Freedom.” It was from 2006 and he
talked about how Bush had used fear to manipulate public opinion and how he had
devalued the meaning of the word “freedom” with his nonsensical invoking of
such phrases as “they hate us for our freedoms.” Bell said the desire for
freedom is universal and is a human, not a political consideration.
This
dovetailed quite nicely with Rev Fleck’s piece, which was a rumination on the
misuse of power. He took issue with Lord Acton’s famous quote, “Power corrupts
and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” He agreed with the second half but disagreed
with the first, citing the power that a parent has over a child.
All
for now.
Love, Steve
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