In limbo

During the next six months, Kent remained in house arrest. He called occasionally and I sent him magazines and books. He had written to all of his old friends that he was still in contact with and most responded with good wishes. During this period, he searched for sources of strength to help get him through the scary, unknown future—I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to be in limbo awaiting sentencing for who knows how long and who knows where.

One day he told me that he had remembered a conversation we’d had a couple of years earlier in which I said, “You are a Unitarian Universalist and don’t know it. You should try going to a service sometime.” At the time, he replied that he liked his Sunday morning ritual of drinking coffee and reading the paper and didn’t feel motivated to join any religious movement. But now, he sought out a UU church near him and started going and even took one of their UU history classes. He connected with the minister there, who was kind and sympathetic even after Kent told him of his situation.

The federal mandatory sentence for possessing child porn is 5 years. Since the time he spent in house arrest doesn’t count as time served, he surrendered to the court at the beginning of January before his sentencing hearing and was held in several county lockups. In some facilities, he asked to be put in isolation—he was frightened of the other prisoners because of the nature of his charge. He didn’t stay there long, however, as he didn’t have reading material and couldn’t take the boredom. In the beginning, he kept track of the number of days of his confinement.

March 7, day 59

I got some pictures from my daughter of my grandbaby sitting up. I am limited to having only 2 pictures here, but you can embed them into your letter and I think they will get through. Thanks for the letter and magazines, but you’d best hold off before sending anything else here. My sentencing date is March 16, so I will probably be moved soon. After sentencing, I will be bounced around for probably a month or so before I finally get wherever I’m going, so I’ll be virtually unreachable. I’m glad to be getting on with it, though nervous about how long the sentence will be.

You asked if I see any news. In the last place, I did get to see the occasional newscast, although the favored viewing is more along the lines of Jerry Springer and Friday Night Wrestling. Here, the TV is controlled by a half dozen ghetto “gangstas” whose afternoon viewing tastes run more toward watching makeup tips on Tyra Banks show because they like looking at the women.

I am getting through this in the 12-step tradition of one day at a time. I’m keeping my emotions in neutral, trying not to feel anything until I get someplace where I will have the tools to deal with them. This is hard for me after having spent so many years working to be in touch with my feelings. Sometimes, late at night, I think about what I have done to my life and get overwhelmed. I try to imagine what life will be like after this debt is paid. I know I will be branded for life. Did you know that it’s difficult for a convicted felon to get a passport and there are many countries that won’t let you in? Just one of many limitations that I will deal with, not that I could afford international travel anyway. I’m glad for the traveling that I have done in my life before this happened.

I’ll bring this mournful dirge to a close now, looking forward to a time when we can reconnect. As always, your love and support are appreciated more than words can convey.

Love, Kent