2000 and some to go--UU helps

October 30, day 297/2088 to go
Dear Dee,
I have heard from Church of the Larger Fellowship and I believe I have just finished qualifying for membership. They have a three-part correspondence course in which they send you some writings about UU, its history, its philosophy, etc. Then, after each one, they have a series of nine questions about what you've read. These aren't right or wrong answers, but rather the questions seek to evoke a response or reaction to what the material covered.

I got some pictures of my daughter's visit. They were not allowed to bring in a camera, but the way it works is that I buy photo tickets from the commissary for $1 apiece. Then they have an inmate on hand with a digital camera who takes the pictures. We get them 2 to 3 weeks later.

Thanks for sending me "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." It has been on my to-read list for years. I would have gotten to it much sooner if someone had told me it was like sci-fi as written by Monty Python.
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November 29, day 327/2058 to go

Dear Dee,
Thanks for your latest letter. And no, you can't send me pens. I can only have the Bics that I get from the commissary.

It's true that UU has been a real help to me at this time in my life. I consider it a gift all by itself.

I agree with you about Lindsay Lohan. There is a mean-spirited element to our culture that loves to put people up on pedestals and tear them down and stomp on them. This young girl is clearly in the grip of an addiction that she hasn't been able to conquer. Speaking as someone who had a good life destroyed by an addiction, I can only empathize with her.

You asked about if or how I keep my things private. I'm never alone, so I do take some precautions. I keep a daily journal but I write it in code, just in case anyone else gets their hands on it. My locker, a tiny thing that holds everything I own, has a combination lock on it. But the lock has a keyhole on the back so that any of the guards or staff can open it at any time. So in the end, there is no privacy. But things are reasonably safe from the other inmates.

Thanks again for being there. Love, Kent

Food for the soul

October 17, day 280 of 2101

Dear Dee,
Well, I finally got to see my granddaughter and she let me hold her. What a joy it was! It was one of the best days of my life. Ironic, I know, having one of the best days of my life happen in a place like this, but there you go. They came here on a Saturday and came back on Sunday. The first day was difficult because they couldn't bring in things to eat and drink, and we didn't know they had to have a stock of quarters to feed the vending machines. They came back the next day with lots of quarters and we got to visit for 4 or 5 hours. My granddaughter is not walking yet and was pretty mellow.

I noticed that when you sent me the sermon on addiction, that you had downloaded it from your church's website. I wonder if you would have the time and inclination to go there and pick some of your favorites to send me. I have decided to parcel them out to myself, reading one each Sunday morning in a sliver of time that I have reserved to feed my spirituality. They don't have to be germane to my situation as the previous one was. Anything that you find inspirational or uplifting would do. I just want to keep in touch with things that will make me think and feel. You will have my undying gratitude if you can do this.

Love, Kent

Waiting for Santa Claus

September 24, day 261

Dear Dee,
So tomorrow is the day I have waited for for so long. My daughter and husband and granddaughter are coming to visit. I finally get to meet that little angel. I just received some birthday pictures of her and they brought tears to my eyes--sadness because I couldn't be there and joy because she is so beautiful. What incredible eyes she has. I guess it's touch and go as to whether she will let me hold her as I'm told she's going through a clingy stage. I'll take it slow and see what happens.

Alas, I did not get the job in the Education Department. Never even got to interview for it. I have been told that the Education Department does not hire anyone with charges similar to mine--this was from a former teacher who they also would not hire. So it looks like I will be stuck slinging hash for the foreseeable future. It's a real disappointment because it would have given a sense of meaning and purpose to the time I have to spend here.

The sermon you sent was very timely and of great meaning to me. I only got the first two pages read before we got called to dinner, so I will finish it after I finish this letter. I wish there was some program to deal with addictions. I'm told a former psychologist here proposed some programs for the inmates, but they did not fly.

I am hanging in there. The "one day at a time" thing is getting me through it. But I continue to hope for changes in the sentencing guidelines that might somehow shorten this process. I guess that's a little like waiting for Santa Claus. But in the end, I guess there's nothing wrong with hope.

Thanks again for being there for me. Your loving support means the world to me.

Love, Kent

A noisy dorm

August 18, day 224

Dear Dee,
Thanks for sending the reformatted  copy of the book I wrote while in house arrest. (Note: This is a light, comedic caper type of story which he later had a friend put out as a Kindle book.) I wanted it because there are a few men here who are interested in writing, and glommed onto me when they found out that I write. They were interested in reading my stuff.

I didn't know that you were in a women's group. I was in a men's group for about seventeen years before I moved away. I'm still in touch with them and they have been very supportive of me over the last year.

I probably don't watch more than three or four hours of TV a week because I don't often agree with their choices. But tonight there was a delightful little movie on Showtime called "You Can Count on Me" which I totally enjoyed. Usually, I just prefer to read and am still going through 3 to 4 books a week.

I'm still working in food service, hairnet and all (my pennance for having made fun of the cafeteria lady). (Note: I asked him in my next letter whether this exchange with the lady was a light-hearted one and he said it was.) My three months are up on September 7. At that point, I will apply to the Education Department, which includes the library. I could either work in the library or perhaps tutor people going for their GED. Or I could teach a creative writing class.

Thanks for including the UU material. I could really identify with Rev. Morales' Huffpo article, especially his question, "What must it do to the human soul to be part of such an abusive system?" Thanks also for the sermon on suffering. Please feel free in the future to send any sermons that you think might apply.

No, my cell is not a quiet place. I have tried twice to get moved, but to no avail. These are not cells per se, but rather dorm-style cubicles. They are designed for four people but have six instead. Some of my cellies are very loud and thoughtless and have others in and out all the time. Just falling asleep is a major problem. Then there is noise from the other cubicles and the common area, where they watch TV and play cards. There is no door to close against that. There are up to 200 men in this unit so it is never quiet.

I have yet to see any violence here. People who have worked their way down to low security are afraid of losing that status. There are cameras everywhere and anyone caught fighting goes to "the hole" (solitary) for a good long time.

As for exercise, there is a pretty good rec yard, but the heat and humidity have been oppressive since I got here. We caught a little breeze today so I went out and walked a mile. I will do more when the heat abates for the season.

I have three or four people I talk with. One is a cellmate, the others have charges similar to mine, so they aren't career criminals and tend to be more intelligent.

Well, that about wraps it up for this time. Stay in touch and, as always, thank you for your loving support.

Love, Kent

Reading is my life

July 15, day 190

Dear Dee,

Thanks for your latest letter and special thanks for your subscription to The Week, which started arriving three weeks ago. I'm loving it!

You said your recent car trip wouldn't be "my cup of tea," but it sure did sound interesting and fun. Maybe you're remembering me wrong--or perhaps I have changed. I daresay I would find anything that wasn't behind razor-wire fences to be pretty engaging these days.

I was fascinated to read your husband's family history. It is a sobering thought to realize that we are not that many generations removed from slavery. I wish more families were as scrupulous about passing that information down the line. Before she died, my aunt sent me an old family bible and a box containing a family tree that my grandfather commissioned that went back to the 1600s when my family came over from Europe. There were also some pictures, including my geat-great-grandfather, a preacher with a withered arm who otherwise looked just like my dad. Somehow I have lost track of the box. I hope it turns up among my things when I get them back.

Thanks for sending the sermon too. I gave it a cursory read, but I want to give it another look when I can find a quiet place and can give it the attention it deserves. The noise level is always high here. It's like living among 200 rowdy pre-schoolers, except the "tots" are six feet tall and heavily muscled.

On the same day your letter arrived, I received the application to the UU Church of the Larger Fellowship. It looks ideal for my situation.

I have a steady stream of reading material, thanks to the library and a few books that people have sent me.

Temperature control is iffy. All the buildings are air-conditioned, but it keeps going out. Once it was out for a full week and a half and we complained bitterly every day. So once they got it fixed, they kept the temperature down in the high 50s for the next two weeks as punishment for complaining.

I am finally making some headway at pulling myself up out of the depression that has enveloped me since I got here in May. The idea that this is my life for the next six years, followed by lifetime supervised release, is so stifling and lacking in hope. I don't know of anyone who has succeeded in destroying their entire life as much as I have. But it is what it is, and the only way I can deal with it is by taking things in the 12-step tradition of one day at a time. Anything beyond that is just too overwhelming.

I think I am close to receiving a spare pair of glasses to replace the ones I have been without since April, so I will finally be able to watch television. That's good, because right now, I'm burning through five to six books a week, almost one a day. It's all I have to do.

I'm now working in the kitchen five days a week in the mornings through lunch. I am on the serving line and raking in $18.36 per month, not quite what I made before, but every dollar helps. And the job does help the days go by a little faster.

Well, there you have all that is new and interesting (?) in my life. Stay in touch.

Love, Kent

Don't let your time do you

June 10, day 156

Dear Dee,
Thanks for the newsy letter. Interesting that you commented on my keeping track of the day number. I've been mulling over the idea that maybe I should give that up. One of the inmates told me he read a book titled, "Do Your Time, Don't Let Your Time Do You." In it, they recommended that you not obsess about how much time you've done and how much remains to be done. When I consider the 156 days, it seems pretty puny compared to the more than 2,200 that remain. So I may stop keeping count. I'm trying every trick in the book to shake off this depression.
I got quite a laugh from the material you reprinted from the prison website. The only true item was the 40-hour Drug Education Program. There is no counseling available at the unit level and, while there is a staff psychologist, he works in administration only doing an entry interview with each new person. It was during that interview that I found out there is no treatment available.
Thanks for the info on the UU Church of the Larger Fellowship Prison Ministry. I'll write them tomorrow. BTW, they do have e-mail here but I'm not allowed to use it because of the nature of my charge. I do have a lot of time to write letters and love to get as many letters as possible.

Yes, I do have a job. I just started it a week ago...I'm ladling out slop in the chow hall. For this I get $5 a month. I have a small pension from before that covers my commissary items--soap, deodorant, toothpaste, snacks, and soft drinks. My social security payments stopped when I came in.

This morning I saw a doctor and asked him how to go about getting my blood pressure meds. "You mean you've been without then since you got here?" He was quite surprised and promised to get them going within a day.

I just got some new pictures of my granddaughter. She always seems to be smiling...must be a happy baby. I can't wait to see her, hold her and smother her with kisses. I'll go slow so I don't scare her. Yes, the visiting rules here are very strict so we'll see how long she lasts.

I have lost nearly 30 pounds since coming in. The process has slowed somewhat since I started getting snacks and I plan to start cutting back so I can continue to lose. I'm not really dieting. It's just that the food is so lacking in nourishment. It's heavy on the rice and beans.

Feel free to write often.

Love, Kent

Kent's new home

Kent was sentenced to 7 and 1/2 years with the probability of getting out a year earlier for good behavior. The judge also ordered lifetime parole. For the next two months, during which he was again shuffled around from one local facility to another, his friends and family awaited news of where he had been taken.  My next letter was 85 days later.

June 2, day 144

Dear Dee,
I guess you've heard by now about the place where I ended up. What has sustained me since January was the promise that a better life awaited me in the federal prison system. Virtually everything I heard about that does not apply here. This place is geared solely toward punishment without so much as a cursory nod toward rehabilitation. I had been lead to believe that the population here would be primarily white collar. Not even close. (Note: He includes more detail about the fellow inmates, but I will leave that to your imagination.)

The book and magazine mailing policy is better here. You can send books and magazines directly to me as long as the books are paperbacks. Hardbacks must come directly from a vendor. So you can send me back issues of The Week magazine like you did when I was in house arrest. I read it cover to cover as soon as I get it. Any that you do send must be clearly labelled "Contains reading matter" or it will be returned to you unopened.. Limit is 5 books at a time.

It looks like my daughter and her husband and the baby may visit me sometime in the next few months. I am waiting with excitement to meet that little one for the very first time. I'm just so sorry that it has to be here.

I hope I didn't depress you too much with this letter. I've been having a tough time since arriving throwing off the mantle of depression that descended on me once I realized this was as good as it was ever going to get. These next six years, followed by lifetime supervised release, do not make for anything positive for my golden years.

In limbo

During the next six months, Kent remained in house arrest. He called occasionally and I sent him magazines and books. He had written to all of his old friends that he was still in contact with and most responded with good wishes. During this period, he searched for sources of strength to help get him through the scary, unknown future—I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to be in limbo awaiting sentencing for who knows how long and who knows where.

One day he told me that he had remembered a conversation we’d had a couple of years earlier in which I said, “You are a Unitarian Universalist and don’t know it. You should try going to a service sometime.” At the time, he replied that he liked his Sunday morning ritual of drinking coffee and reading the paper and didn’t feel motivated to join any religious movement. But now, he sought out a UU church near him and started going and even took one of their UU history classes. He connected with the minister there, who was kind and sympathetic even after Kent told him of his situation.

The federal mandatory sentence for possessing child porn is 5 years. Since the time he spent in house arrest doesn’t count as time served, he surrendered to the court at the beginning of January before his sentencing hearing and was held in several county lockups. In some facilities, he asked to be put in isolation—he was frightened of the other prisoners because of the nature of his charge. He didn’t stay there long, however, as he didn’t have reading material and couldn’t take the boredom. In the beginning, he kept track of the number of days of his confinement.

March 7, day 59

I got some pictures from my daughter of my grandbaby sitting up. I am limited to having only 2 pictures here, but you can embed them into your letter and I think they will get through. Thanks for the letter and magazines, but you’d best hold off before sending anything else here. My sentencing date is March 16, so I will probably be moved soon. After sentencing, I will be bounced around for probably a month or so before I finally get wherever I’m going, so I’ll be virtually unreachable. I’m glad to be getting on with it, though nervous about how long the sentence will be.

You asked if I see any news. In the last place, I did get to see the occasional newscast, although the favored viewing is more along the lines of Jerry Springer and Friday Night Wrestling. Here, the TV is controlled by a half dozen ghetto “gangstas” whose afternoon viewing tastes run more toward watching makeup tips on Tyra Banks show because they like looking at the women.

I am getting through this in the 12-step tradition of one day at a time. I’m keeping my emotions in neutral, trying not to feel anything until I get someplace where I will have the tools to deal with them. This is hard for me after having spent so many years working to be in touch with my feelings. Sometimes, late at night, I think about what I have done to my life and get overwhelmed. I try to imagine what life will be like after this debt is paid. I know I will be branded for life. Did you know that it’s difficult for a convicted felon to get a passport and there are many countries that won’t let you in? Just one of many limitations that I will deal with, not that I could afford international travel anyway. I’m glad for the traveling that I have done in my life before this happened.

I’ll bring this mournful dirge to a close now, looking forward to a time when we can reconnect. As always, your love and support are appreciated more than words can convey.

Love, Kent

Making the best of house arrest

June 4, pre-lockup

Dear Dee,
Your latest CARE package arrived today and was much appreciated. I have written to most of my family and long-time friends and have heard from J & M as well as CA. They have sent me books to read and M sent a tin of Neiman-Marcus chocolate chip cookies, Comfort food indeed!

Life for me hasn't changed much since we last spoke. I'm getting out for a therapy session once a week and, next week, that will increase to two per week. I have also been attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous on Sunday afternoons. I hope to soon get a court ruling on a motion to allow me to be out for more meetings as well as an hour each week to do my own grocery shopping. I can't tell you what a treat it is to just step out the front door and breathe in the fresh air. On the way back, I stop at a popular local bakery and buy a couple of donuts for my next day's breakfast. I take much joy in these simple pleasures.

The legal situation is pretty much frozen in place until they finish going over the computers, camera, CDs, etc. that were confiscated on the day of the arrest. After that, I guess the prosecutor makes a plea offer. I got a small ray of hope last week when a story ran in the paper that a man charged with a similar offense had been recommended five years probation. I have the same prosecutor as he, but we have different judges and there isn't any guarantee that either judge will go along with the recommended sentence. So I hope for the best as I prepare for the worst.

I continue to be grateful for the support I get by phone with a call nearly every day from someone...my daughter, my nephew, you and other friends. The list continues to grow and I marvel at the level of goodness in people. Sadly, however, my family here is steeped in anger and resentment. I guess that makes sense when you consider that they were betrayed on a grander scale than anyone else. I wanted to be the best dad I could be to my son and give him someone to look up to. Now, in the blink of an eye, I have taken all that from him.

The future is a very scary place for me right now. So all I can do is try to get through each day and do a little healing if I can. I cannot change what I have done, only what I do from here on out. I am determined to try each day to bring a little good into the world instead of ugliness. I know that these 12-step meetings will be a regular ingredient in my life for the rest of my time. I will ensure that nothing like this ever happens again.

I keep a picture of my daughter and me on her wedding day on my dresser as a daily reminder of happier times. I look forward to the birth of that precious baby of hers as a signpost pointing toward other happiness to come. I hope it isn't too long before I am able to hold her.

Thanks again for standing with me. When all of this went down, I couldn't imagine that anyone would.

Love, Kent

How do I explain the unexplainable?

Shock, disbelief and sadness washed over me when I learned that a good friend of mine had been arrested for possession of child pornography. Like you, I felt some degree of disgust and wondered how someone I knew as a warm, generous, and productive person could have gotten sucked into such a world. My first letter from him (while still under house arrest):

April 21, pre-lockup

Dear Dee,

By now you’ve heard the horrible news and had some time to sit with it. I just got off the phone with my daughter, who is pregnant as you know, and found out she’s having a girl. It was a ray of sunshine into a life that is suddenly very dark. I am so pleased for them. It’s the closest I’ve been able to get to happiness in the last six days.

How do I explain the unexplainable? I have always had an attraction to porn. Over the years, that “attraction” began to manifest itself as a full-blown addiction. About 10 years ago, I got into a 12-step Sex Addicts Anonymous group. As a result of that, I got a pretty good hold on the problem. But as with any addiction that you don’t stay on top of, it began to creep back into my life. Add to that the easy availability of that stuff on the internet, coupled with a retired guy with way too much time on his hands, and you have a recipe for disaster.

What happened is that I got involved in chat rooms in which I would assume an alternate identity…a horrible, predatory, vile individual who seemed to appeal to those I was chatting with. While this fictitious character was the polar opposite of who I am, I got a perverse kick out of playing him. In fact, that kick took precedence over any porn involved. What brought me down was when I ended up playing this role in a chat with an undercover police officer.

I wanted to write first and lay the groundwork before I talk to you. I hope you will call when you feel ready.

Love, Kent